Gwenna
December 31, 2015
“Gwennie…”
I take a backward step, arms out to keep my balance.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Gwen. I didn’t mean to. I got out and…” His eyes close. He sways and sobs. “Breck and Dove, they came…and Breck stayed. He said you were dead! When I woke up, we were on an airplane.”
Panic rises in me, cresting quickly, dropping just as quickly off. My mind feels fuzzy.
“Why are you telling me this?” I murmur.
“That’s the problem,” he is saying wildly now. “Blue’s dad, Michael’s father, he’s a big shot. He’s the Chairman of the JCoS and he was in on it. He thought he was helping us, but since then, Gwen… They know I love you, and I’m scared now! If I tell you, Gwen—” He shakes his head. “There was no way. There was no way not to. If I never told you, you would never know…these things…that you deserve to know.” His eyes squeeze shut. “It’s my fault. I should just leave, but I’m too selfish. I don’t know. I should be dead…”
“I died,” a strange voice says.
“I’m sorry, Gwenna. I have to protect you. I couldn’t leave and tell you nothing! You’ll have to protect yourself, hide out while I—”
I tackle him. I guess I get my hand around the gun. I must, because it sails into the darkness. I go at his face, his throat, his shoulders: hitting, punching, clawing. I rip him to shreds because he’s everything I love. He’s everything I want.
He wrecked it…
* * *
Barrett
January 1, 2016
I don’t care when I hear them come up on me. I can tell by the way their footfall sounds, even in snow: there must be eight at least. I see them moving in the trees around me. I hope they come fast. The snow’s so deep, and I’m so tired… I left Gwen when she passed out. I called her friend. Hours ago—or days?
And suddenly there’s Dove, and Blue, and more.
I look at their faces only.
I don’t want to see the guns.
I shut my eyes and summon Gwenna’s face. She’ll never understand. I love her. It was all an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt her…I didn’t mean to love her.
“Couldn’t help it.”
My eyes shut, on their own.
“Bear?” Dove’s voice; maybe Blue’s hands on my shoulders.
I blink up at him and then…the sting.
TWENTY-FIVE
Gwenna
January 4, 2016
In darkness, light looks brighter. We keep passing all these little towns in—where? Where are we? Kansas? Oklahoma? Somewhere prairie-ish. It’ll be pitch black except our headlights. I’ll be half asleep, my mind wiped blank for half a second. Then that light. It looks like the beam of a spaceship from behind my eyelids. I’ll open them up and it’s like, two farmhouses and a barn. Blinding in the darkness. There’ll be this lone horse hanging by the fence line, mane all blowing in the wind, maybe a piece of tumbleweed darting across the road, and it’s just so depressing. So depressing.
It’s my fault, though. This is what I told Jamie I wanted. Get back home to my bears. See Papa. I can tell she doesn’t think I’m strong enough. She keeps mentioning my mom’s, or Rett’s house. How they want to see me. Yeah.
“Are you awake?” she murmurs.