Deep 6 (Multiple Love)

"What should we do now?" I ask him.

"I think we should head over there. I think we need to really talk to Sandy."

"I think you're right." In my chest, my heart thuds faster at the thought of seeing her again. Yes, it might be awkward. Yes, it might take a lot of work to change her mind. Yes, we have a lot to prove, but I'm going to make damned sure that we give it our all.

Sandy's sister lives ten minutes from the school. It's getting on to lunchtime, and my stomach rumbles. As we get closer, my nerves seem to buzz, like she's a magnet, and my body is beginning to feel her tug. "We're doing the right thing, right?" Able says as though he's feeling it too.

"What have we got to lose?" It's what I keep telling myself. It's what's driven me to come on this wild-goose chase. The greatest risk is that she tells us to fuck off. Or maybe something else. Maybe she has a boyfriend she didn't disclose. Maybe she sees everything that happened as a big mistake. My confidence falters over the last few minutes of the journey, which isn't like me at all. It tells me everything I need to know about how I feel about Sandy.

Able drives slow so we can find Suzanne's house. It's a nice, whitewashed place with a wrap-around porch and swing. There are some children's toys in a basket. Sandy must be an auntie. Able parks up on the opposite side of the road and exhales long and deep as he drops his hands from the wheel. "I have no idea how this is going to go," he says.

"Neither do I, but we gotta do it." I throw the door open, stepping into the midday sunshine. I roll my shoulders and flex my hands like I'm getting ready for a fight. It's an unconscious thing, which I stop as soon as I start to bounce on the balls of my feet. I guess this is how I exhibit nerves. Able locks up and then joins me to cross the road.

We both stare up at the house, wondering if Sandy's in one of the upstairs windows looking down on us. Will she pretend she's not home even though her car's out front? If nothing else, I'm happy to confirm that the repairs we made to it got her home safely.

The front door is painted a bluey-green color and there's a black metal knocker that I leave Able to use. I don't trust myself not to be too rough.

We wait for a few seconds, ears craning to hear what's going on inside. "I'm coming," a voice rings out, and there are thuds from inside, which sound like someone running up the stairs. The front door opens, and there is Sandy, dressed in yoga pants and my old band shirt, her hair in a messy bun. It's like stepping from a dark cave into desert sunshine. My heart feels warm at the sight of her, but as soon as she sees us, her face drops, and so does all of my hope.

35

TYLER

I'm doing something I never thought I'd do, and I don't know how to feel about it. Parked up in front of the address my mom now calls home, I'm taking a few deep breaths before I head on in there to fulfill my promise to my sister.

This is more about Luna than it is about Kaylee. People say that family is important, and it is, to a certain extent. When you have amazing relatives who you can rely on, family should be the center of your universe. Jake and Luna were always that for me. Mom and Dad, not so much.

Adults should be responsible. They should put their kids first. They should care enough about the impact they have to try their best to overcome their difficulties. That was the problem with my parents. They were selfish. They didn't give a thought to what their addictions were doing to our childhoods, and I can't forgive that lack of care.

I could forgive the weakness.

We all have it in our souls in one way or another. None of us is perfect. Like Achilles had his heel, we all nurse the soft parts of us that don't cope well with life.

Men aren't supposed to admit to things like that. We're taught that any kind of weakness makes us lesser. Tears are feminine. Depression is something for weaklings, not real men. I believed it for a long time, too. My grief consumed me, and I hated myself for allowing it. In a way, dwelling in my darkness became a way to escape the reality of everything Jake's death had cost me. I was never going to have another brother. I was never going to have another girl like Sandy in my life. I was never going to forget the guilt that came with an older brother's responsibility when there are no parents.