Break Me

I feel my body shake and my stomach twists in a knot. I have never talked about it, never told anyone. Now that I have, it’s even more real and upsetting.

“Did you fuck him tonight?” he snaps, balling his fists at his sides.

“I’m gonna be sick,” I say, turning around and dropping to my knees in front of the toilet.

I throw up over and over. Nothing but liquid comes out. Nothing has been in my stomach all day.

When I finish, I lean back on my heels and see a washcloth in front of my face.

“When’s the last time you showered?” he snaps.

“Yesterday morning,” I answer, wiping the refreshing, cool cloth over my face.

I hear the water in the tub start.

“Get in.”

“I just want to sleep,” I say, holding my stomach.

“Get. In.” He is already lifting me, his hands under my arms.

“Let go!” I yell as I try to fight my way out of his arms. “Dammit!”

I throw up again.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“I warned you!” I cry, pulling my knees to my chest as he still holds me up.

I feel him pull the waistband of my skirt and underwear down, and then they are off. He sets me in the tub none too gently then pulls my shirt over my head and yanks my bra off.

“You’re such an ass,” I grumble, pulling my knees to my chest and covering my body.

“And you stink,” he sneers as he grabs a towel and wipes up the floor. Then I hear him stomp out of the bathroom, and the door shuts to the outside.

I quickly dunk my head under the water and grab the two-in-one shampoo then wash my hair, scrubbing vigorously. I then lie back and rinse my hair, submerging my head completely, wishing I didn’t have to come back up, wishing I could just stay here in the weightless state. I think of the past five years and what I have become: nothing.

He pulls me up by my arm. “What the hell are you doing?”

I yank my arm away and wait for him to yell at me. I want him to yell at me. I want him to run from my insanity, but I don’t want to lose him. I want him to fight me and then for me. Instead, he steps back.

“You need to calm the fuck down,” he says in a low grumble.

“You need to walk out of here and let me finish,” I say just as quietly.

He nods once then walks out.

I wash my body in privacy, taking my time doing so. It has been years since I soaked in a bath. I can’t honestly remember the last time I felt safe enough to do so. While away at college, I lived in the safety of numbers and the chaos that is college. I showered during busy times so that I knew the bathrooms would be full, and I wouldn’t be alone and afraid.

I look up when I sense he is watching me.

“You’re taking a long damn time in here. Just making sure you’re okay.”

I lean against the side of the tub, covering myself as much as I can. “I’m fine. I just . . .” I pause and gather my thoughts. “I forgot how much I enjoy baths.”

He looks at me and nods. “You need clothes.” He holds up a T-shirt and a pair of shorts then sets them on the counter.

“Thank you, Jason.”

He nods again. “It’s late.”

“I’ll get dressed, and then I guess I could walk—”

“Did you fuck him today?” he interrupts.

I shake my head.

He runs his hand through his hair. “You sure?”

“I’m sure,” I answer, setting my forehead on the cold porcelain tub.

“My cock was the only one inside of you today?” he asks in a rumble.

I peer up at him. “Yes.”

He pulls his shirt over his head swiftly and pushes his pants down before stepping out of them. He then steps toward me. “I need a shower. You need to get out and get dressed. Then get your ass to bed. I’m done tonight. Tomorrow, this shit gets sorted.”

I dress quickly, deciding to leave while he showers. Facing the night is less scary than facing him right now. I have a task to complete, a job to do. I can’t have him involved or in the way. I know how this ends, and then, and only then, will I feel safe again. Then, and only then, will I forgive myself for being late.

After quickly dressing, I reach out and slowly open the door to leave. A large hand reaches from behind me and slams it shut.

“Bed,” he sneers.

“You don’t want me here. I’m no good for you,” I say without turning around.

“I’m not letting you leave tonight. I need sleep; you need sleep. I want to know what the hell the angel from the ER with the blue eyes who helped me needs in order to stop being the bad girl sneaking around at night and letting bad men fuck her—fuck you.