Break Me

I feel a strength burn from inside when I think of her. I borrow it to help me through difficult times and rely fully on it while I try to do the unthinkable. Lo would never try to find the killer. She would be too afraid to do it on her own.

The police found nothing that would connect my family’s murder to anyone: no enemies, no coworkers with a grudge, no clue as to who might do something so hideous, so heinous. None of our neighbors saw or heard anything suspicious. There were no fingerprints at the scene of the crime, but my mother’s jewelry box and purse were emptied. The case was deemed unsolved, and the only conclusion they came up with was that it was a home invasion.

I wrap my arms around myself and step back from the window. I close my eyes and shudder as the vivid memory of their deaths pops into my head like a glossy photo.

The thought of selling the house has always been terrifying. It was as Jason said. It’s like the Bates Motel, but lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice. I take comfort in that thought.

In the time since Jason came into my life, I see hope in the freedom from my past. He says he’s a monster, but I have dark thoughts myself. I have a plan, and for my family I will follow through, consequences be damned. He has turned everything upside down. Even though our first sexual encounter was as Hi, he takes me as I am completely. He fights to keep Lo going, not letting me fall into my old habits. Rather than take me home and leave me, he brought me here.

I want to ask him about his past. I want to ask him about his ex, especially after seeing the damage to his room. She took everything from the kitchen as well. I hate to tell him that. I don’t know his financial situation. For as much as I don’t know about him, he still is a soothing balm to all of the open wounds to my heart and soul.

I see a chair in the corner of the room, liking the fact that there are two walls with nothing behind them. I walk past the wooden coffee table and stop when I see a Men’s Fitness magazine and a copy of Cosmo. I take the Cosmo and grab the black fur blanket off the back of the sectional leather sofa in the middle of the room and make my way to the chair. It doesn’t match the rest of the place’s white and black décor. It’s a dark blue.

I sit down in its oversized comfort. I pull my legs up under me and drape the soft blanket over myself. Then I rest my head on the side of the chair and open the magazine in hopes of getting outside of my head and living in this moment. It has been years since I have felt this restful.

I am a guest to a man I consider my true first; I am not worried what is hiding behind curtains or what I am allowing the curtains to hide me from; and I am wrapped in warmth high above the streets of Detroit in a tower that has guards and security. Although the tattooed, gorgeous man who has seen devastation and caused it himself is not here, I can smell him, and I feel the safety he promises surrounding me.

I feel fur against my face and hear soft purrs. His scent is stronger now, and so is the scent of . . . barbeque?

I open my eyes and see Boots’s big eyes looking into mine as Socks seems to be trying to hide under the blanket with me.

“Hello, my beauties,” I whisper, giving them my attention while looking around for Jason.

As I stand up and walk toward the window, I hear a song playing from the balcony. Its beat is hard and fast. Angry.

He is sitting in one of the chairs, shirtless. His tattoos are works of art and no doubt hold emotional connections. The cobra is what I assume he feels he needs to be: quick, fast, strong, and deadly.

It doesn’t scare me anymore than him being the son of that monster my innocent eyes saw beat him. I remember running to my father—my protector and the strongest man I ever knew—to get him to help the little boy who was kind enough to help me clean up my mess. My father followed me into the room where Jason was curled in a ball in the corner. His father looked up at us, his eyes filled with venom, and my father pulled me behind him, shielding me.

I don’t remember what was said that day, but I remember Jason looking at me emotionlessly. I remember smiling, or trying to smile, and then I remember him looking away. He stood up and walked quickly out the door, past us, and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.