Break Me

I need him; I want him; and I will have him until I can’t.

I turn the key in the ignition, and the car starts up. I put it in gear and press on the gas pedal. Then I look in the rearview mirror as I pull away from his building and smile, thinking about returning to him tonight. Until then, I will push through today, get lost in the need to save lives, and help those I have been trained and educated to help.

This morning . . . definitely better than Folgers.

I sit down in the break room and sigh. From the moment I walked through the door, it has been nonstop. Normally, I love a day like this. When we are busy, time flies by. Add three MVAs (motor vehicle accidents) to an average day, and I am already exhausted.

I pull my phone from my scrubs pocket and re-read the text message Jason sent me this morning. It was simply, Have a great day, angel.

Angel, I love it when he calls me that. I love it when he calls me Lo, too. I love how safe he makes me feel. I love that he wants me.

I know I will never be normal, but I also know the chances of feeling somewhat normal are far better outside of that house.

He was right; I need to get the house on the market. I need to do it now. Therefore, I Google realtors, and Rock City Real Estate is the first to pop up. When they answer, I tell them I would like to sell my house and give them the information. I explain the fair market value is fine as the house will be “as is.” I don’t tell them it’s because I don’t want to spend anymore time there. I don’t tell them about the triple slaughter of a family. I don’t tell them any of that. I can’t.

An appointment is set for them to come out and take pictures. I make it for the evening of my day off, hoping Jason will be there with me.

I don’t want to do it alone.

I don’t want to be alone.

Not anymore.

I sit and stare at the phone and read his message again.

Have a great day, angel.

Five words, just five, that make me feel like I matter.

Have a great day, angel.

God, how am I going to do this without him knowing? How will I be able to look at him and lie if he asks any more questions?

Have a great day, angel.

How am I going to leave him when it’s time? Things have to be made right and I can’t stop Hi, and really . . . . I don’t want to, revenge is a necessity.

Have a great day, angel.

Now that he knows what I am doing, it has become real, I no longer can hide behind Hi. Hi is no angel, and now neither am I.

“Code Blue,” squeaks over the intercom, and I welcome the chaos outside my own.

Sitting at the desk, entering patient information, I look up when I see Dr. Bennett walking toward me. He isn’t relaxed and all smiles; he looks pensive, concerned, very much unlike himself.

“How are you, Lorraine?” he asks, setting his tablet down and sitting next to me.

“Busy.” I smile. “It’s been a crazy day. How are you?”

“Concerned about you.”

“Don’t be. I am actually doing very well.” I lean in and whisper, “I put the house on the market today.”

“Good, then you’ll come home?”

I look down. I don’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. I can’t go back to his home, their home. I can’t go back to living the twisted life I lived while I was there. I also can’t explain it to him, because he doesn’t know what Ryan and Hi were doing. Sam’s a good man and would never understand. He took me in in good faith not realizing Heidi was along for the ride, but at the time, I didn’t know that either.

“I understand that you are asserting your independence, and no one appreciates that more than I do. I appreciate and respect that.”

I can’t look at him and see the sadness. He and his wife have been nothing but good to me. I can’t imagine how disappointed he would be if he ever knew. I suspect Rochelle, Ryan’s stepsister, knows.

Rochelle was kind to me at first whenever she was home from college. She was kind to me for a long time. Then . . . she wasn’t.

I remember the night I was in his bed, and she walked in Ryan’s room. I didn’t see her, only heard her.

“I knew it! I—”

She stops when Ryan flies off me and out of the bed. I cover myself with the blanket, terrified that we have been discovered. I don’t know what to do.