Break Me

Lo, fought so fucking hard the past twenty-four hours to do this the way she wanted to, all natural and unassisted. Only had to tell her three times that asking for help to deliver our nine-pound baby wasn’t a sign of weakness.

She hissed at me through a contraction and then cried as she told me, “I’m a nurse Jason, I know that. But.” And then she stopped talking.

The inability to protect her from that pain, nearly shattered me, I knew damn well she saw it.

And she did.

Through her own pain, she saw mine. She’s the only person who has been able to see that in me. The only person I have never felt I didn’t have to defend myself against. The only person who hasn’t wanted something from me, to hurt me, or to take something away from me.

My angel.

I hold her hand as I sit back and look down at our son who half an hour ago was pulled from her stomach, bloody and crying, now clean, pink, beautiful, and resting contently.

Pride swells in my chest, but love overtakes it’s venom. “I promise never to look over or past you to get to something, because nothing is more important to me than you and your mother, and never will be. I promise you are not an object. I promise no one will ever strike out against you. I promise you’ll be loved by an angel, protected by a lion. I love you son. I don’t know if I deserve you, but I’ll make sure that every day. You and your mother are my gifts, my salvation, and I will remember that every day.”

I hear Lo sigh and look over as her eyes flutter open, and she smiles softly at me… us.

“Angel sleep,” I plead softly. “You need to rest.”

Clearing her throat, she turns to me as I lift her hand to my lips and brush them across her knuckles. I then stand and lay him on her chest. “He’s beautiful. Perfect. Just like you.”

She kisses the top of his head and wraps her arm around him protectively. “He’s big and strong. He looks like you. He’s perfect.”

I smile down. “He opened his eyes. There all you. He needs a name.”

“You just named him.”

I cock my head to the side, confused and wondering just how much the pain meds are affecting her.

She squeezes my hand as she presses her lips to his head and whispers. “Isaiah.” Still looking curiously at her she smiles and explains. “It means God’s salvation.”

Salvation is something I never imagined having. The road to redemption is not a smooth ride. My road to redemption is something I’ll never let go of, these two are my rainbow after the storm. My woman and my son, present in this room with me. Everything I never thought I would ever have I hold so close.

My son. My reason to breathe. My saving grace. Once I was lost, but now I am found. I am the man I want to be today because my Lo had the strength to stand by me when many would have walked, no ran, away.

I’m not a perfect man. I have made more mistakes than most. Some of them are truly unforgivable. The woman beside me, the woman I vow to give my best to, my all to, thank God she sees the good in me that I struggle to find for myself. Thankfully she loves me beyond the broken.

My Lo has given me my Isaiah.

In this I find peace. I have love, I have happiness. More than anything I’ve broken the cycle of pain.