Ash: Gross. Ball bag earrings? But really, you STOLE a wedding cake? (Cake emoji, shocked hands at the face with a ghost-like mouth emoji.)
Leandra: Ball bag earrings, haha. I should start carrying those at my store. Props on the cake, though. That’s quite a heist. (Wizard emoji, hand in a rock out symbol emoji.)
Toren: You better have put the cake back in one piece. Don’t accuse me of being the spoilsport. You guys always say I’m too serious, but this is a new low. Even for us. (Thumbs down emoji.)
Kirian: You are a hardcore spoilsport, Tor. But I agree, we usually go for something a little more subtle. You could just have sneaked in and licked it. (Tongue emoji.)
Leandra: He probably did. All four tiers of it. (Four thumbs up emoji.)
Kirian: Was it disgustingly sweet? Was it one of those fake cakes that’s not even real? Was the icing plastic?
Ash: Did you take it back inside or just leave it out there on the sidewalk as a gift to the wedding gods everywhere?
Leandra: We should include Luna, Ellis, and Lindy in these group texts.
Ash: I just added them.
Luna: Holy crap, did you steal a wedding cake? (Cake emoji, party hat emoji.)
Ellis: He did! What’s a shart?
Lindy: I believe a shart is one of those new hip words people make when they chop the ending off one word and the beginning off another. In this case, fart combines with shit to make shart. (Cloud of gas emoji, poop emoji.)
Ellis: Oh, I see. Uh, do you have a problem with that, Taylen? As you seem to have indicated? I mean, if you do, that’s cool.
Ash: Taylen?
Toren: Tay?
Leandra: If you don’t tell them, I will.
Kirian: Where the hell are you? You just send that epic photo and (peace sign emoji) out?
Ash: You had better confess. Otherwise, things are going to get out of hand. With the cake, I mean, not the sharts.
Kirian: Call me a Karen if you like, but you had better get that cake back because those things cost a fortune. You don’t want to ruin your best friend’s wedding.
Ash: Just because her parents wouldn’t let her include you in the wedding party, and she’s marrying a huge douchebag with like ten thousand names, doesn’t mean you should wreck the wedding.
Ash: That’s in bad taste.
Ash: Okay, maybe ruining it a little bit would be acceptable. Like grab the microphone during speeches but instead of saying anything, just stand there and give everyone the middle finger.
Ellis: No! DO NOT DO THAT!!! Ash, where the heck are you? I swear I’m going to find you and take your phone away. You can’t give bad advice like that.
Ash: I’m in the studio, waiting for you. Naked.
Ellis: AHHHHH, THIS IS A FAMILY GROUP CHAT!
Toren: My very UNDERAGE son has learned to read quite a few words lately. Keep the group chats G-rated here, people. I don’t want to have to burn my phone on top of rinsing my eyeballs out with acid for having just read that.
Ash: I’m your cousin. It’s perfectly acceptable to talk about nudity. Plus, I’m also an artist. Nudity should be respected, as should my muse. And love.
Toren: My eyes.
Leandra: They’re bleeding.
Lindy: I don’t think Milo can read at this level yet. We should be safe for another year or so.
Toren: I maintain, DO NOT talk about being up in your studio, naked. That is just WRONG.
Leandra: Okay, I’m going ahead with the shart story because Taylen hasn’t answered back yet.
Kirian: I’m back. I was baking a cake. Haha. No coincidence intended. I really am baking one. It’s Lindy’s birthday tomorrow. I want to surprise her.
Leandra: You know she’s reading the group chat, right?
Kirian: Shit.
Leandra: You also live in the same house. Wouldn’t she smell the cake?
Kirian: Shit.
Leandra: No, shart. Here’s the real shart story. (Poop emoji, laughing face emoji, laughing emoji with tears coming out of its eyes.) So, we were like somewhere in the ballpark of between ten and fifteen. I was younger, but you guys were all in that ballpark age range, just to give the story some background.
Toren: This is going to go on forever. For the love of Pete. So, we were having a discussion—us boys—about loud farts, which led to pushing out farts.
Leandra: Because you are all dirty beings. (Puking emoji, green face emoji.)
Ellis: And let me guess. You all tried to outdo…I mean, outfart each other.
Ash: Would it be wrong of me to say how hot it is when you use the term outfart?
Toren: Very.
Kirian: Maybe just a little. If she loves you knowing full well how often you pass gas, you probably have a keeper.
Lindy: Kirian is just bitter because I told him he had to leave the room whenever he farts because they’re toxic. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced. (Nuclear waste emoji.)