Wrath (Sinful Secrets 4)

Since the people here at Sheppard Pratt didn’t know what I had come from- at Alton- they just thought I was nuts. Nothing that they did would help me, because I guess I had ptsd, not depression- so I ended up with electroshock therapy. I was still a fucked up wreck after I got out of here last time.

Modern medicine can’t fix everything. But you can, Miller. When I was with you, I barely even feel bad, except nightmares.

I feel shitty that I didn’t tell you everything about my past. Part of me is also glad you don’t know. I don’t want you to know how messed up I am. I don’t want to hurt you with it.

It would hurt you. We both know how fucking nice you are. You’re the best thing. I hate to think about you, because it makes me miss you so much, but I can’t help it.

They say ECT can make your memories blurry sometimes, but it didn’t happen to me last time I was in here. Also, this shit with us is fire-proof. Seizure-proof.

Seizures… I hope you’re okay.

I love you. I don’t even like being in love. It scares me. But I love you. So much I could never say no to it.

My mom thinks I’m on board with “getting in a better head space” here at Sheppard Pratt. Using their psych meds to not feel gay anymore- or whatever crazy bullshit she thinks.

In case you’re wondering- Mom called me that day we went to your dad’s house. I knew right away that I was fucked, as soon as she told me Dad told her I was gay and happy in a relationship. She said I had to come back home to her and “address the issue”. Like it’s a drug problem or something.

You know what I did, Miller?

I told her- on the phone, on the roof outside your room- that I wouldn’t. That I was staying with Carl. I told her everything about us (except who you are). That I found someone I love and that Dad supports me. That I’m gayer than the fucking world and she can suck it. Okay- I didn’t say that exactly.

I didn’t think my mom could surprise me. Not at this point. But she did. She said if I didn’t come back to her house, go back to Sheppard Pratt, she would tell the police that I’m unstable. And she’d tell them what happened with Paul.

I did something terrible one time, Millsy. But I did it because I had to. I guess you could call it self-defense. It’s something that, if people found out, it would ruin my life. Like, really ruin it. And my mom knows that. That’s why she used it as a threat. That’s why it worked.

One day I’ll tell you about all that shit. One day in the future- maybe one night I can get you drunk, or feed you Xanax. So it won’t upset you.

I think it would really hurt to hear it. If you still love me.

You might not love me now.

I love you, though. So much. I need you. I can’t sleep without you. I can’t even say how much I hate it here. They’ve got me on so many different meds- just because I can’t handle being back in this place. They don’t know I’m gay or about Alton, that my mom is making me come here because she’s crazy. They think I’m depressed. The whole thing is a lie, and it makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

Everything about being in a hospital reminds me of Alton. I had to stay in that white room for so long. One of the clinic rooms.

I’m glad you can’t read this note.

I don’t like it here, Mills.

Sometimes I get scared.

Here, they think I have psychosis. Something like that.

But I’m just scared without you.

I’m so scared without you. Nothing ever helps. I’m just hardwired now to go crazy at hospitals. I try to calm down, but I can’t.

I want to call my dad. I want to ask how you are.

Josh, I want to call you. I love you, Josh Miller.

Mom said all I have to do here is get back on antidepressants so I won’t ‘feel those urges’ and do a booster round of ECT. And then I can come home. To her house, of course.

But it’s okay. It’s only temporary. I’ll get out of there as fast as I can. Anything we need. I can start college early in August, and then we’ll be together. Forever, I promise.

When I’m done with ECT and feeling like myself, I’ll call and write you.

If Mom thinks I don’t want to un-gay myself, my life is over. I won’t just be in trouble with the law, but everyone would find out what happened to me. That I was –