“I know. You were defending me.”
“It was more than that, Toby. I had feelings for you, too. Since that very first day. Real feelings. Feelings I don’t think I’ve had for anyone before. Feelings that confuse me. And also I …” He shuts his eyes. “I was afraid of you.”
That takes me aback. “Afraid?”
“What you could do to me. What you can do to me, right now. The potential you have of breaking my damned heart. Shit.” He scoffs at himself and shakes his head. “I sound so stupid.”
“No, you don’t,” I state, wide-eyed, my words like percussive instruments. “Literally, that is the most amazing thing a guy has ever said to me. You really think I could break your heart?”
“You can break my heart. That’s what I’m trying to say. You could break it right now if you wanted.” Vann glares at me. “I’ve been so messed up about you, Toby, since that first day. I … I want you. You make me weak, Toby. Foolish. Stupid enough to do stupid things for you. Look at this lonely place. Out here in Spruce, Texas, out here in the middle of nowhere, you make me feel like I belong. In this town I have no business being in, you give me a purpose. A reason to even bother going to that school. A reason to make art. A reason to be better than the street rat I used to be. Toby, you are the beginning and the end of my every heartbeat.”
I lose all sense of gravity and fall into his eyes. For all those pretty words of his, I think it’s my heart that just broke apart and came back together anew.
Is this the boyfriend speech I was waiting for? Is this when it happens? Is this the start of that thing I always dreamed about?
“I … I think I love you, Vann,” I hear myself say before I even realize I’ve said it.
Those words should scare him off. If he has any sense at all, he will realize that he’s fallen in too deep with a sweet, simpleminded small-town guy like me with stars in his eyes. Once those words are returned, if he dares to return them, he’ll be stuck with me in this precious little corner of the world forever.
He reaches up and thoughtfully pulls a few wet strands of my hair off my forehead. His dreamy, dark eyes meet mine. “Damn it, Toby,” he whispers.
My heart is beating so fast, I wonder if it’s making Jurassic Park ripples in the water around us, like the kind you see in a glass of water when a great, big, prehistoric beast is approaching with its Earth-shaking footsteps.
That’s what my feelings are for Vann.
A great, big, prehistoric beast with heavy feet, a deep roar that scares even the trees, and teeth made for sinking into meat.
And when I’ve got the appetite, I can’t let go until I’m sated.
“All I wanted to do tonight,” he whispers, “was take you out here for a little swim, because you said all that business about kids peeing in the Spruce pool … and you missed the water …” A deep fire burns in his eyes. “And then you went and said those words.”
“S-Sorry.”
“I’m not.”
“Am I really the beginning and end of your heartbeats?”
Vann answers me with a kiss. I respond by pulling our hips even closer under the water, our fronts crashing together. I am a mess of desire, wild and untamable cravings, and psychotic needs. I don’t ever want to separate from him. I want him with me every minute of every day. I can’t even remember what my life was like before Vann came crashing into it with a cup of yogurt in my face. This is where I belong, right here under the stars, his lips on mine, and our hands beneath the water, doing things—things that very much give Vann the permission he asked for earlier.
14 | VANN
After weekends of waking up sweaty next to Toby in his shed, bodies separated, for the first time I wake up with him in my arms, bed sheets tangled up in our legs, and the cool air of the house on our bare skin. I’m not sure what hour it is, but the sun isn’t up, my room is a cocoon of semidarkness, and the only sound is Toby’s soft breathing.
My Toby.
I gently tighten my hold around his body, pulling him against me. It doesn’t disturb his sleep at all. I nuzzle my face in the nape of his neck, close my eyes, and drift back to sleep with a smile on my stupid, lovesick face.
I love you, Vann—his words, repeating over and over, circling my head a thousand times until I’m quite sure I’m spinning, even lying here on this bed.