“Then why—”
“I’ll restore the library because you asked me to. Like I said, my reasons don’t really matter. But I can’t be with you, Harper. Not like before. I can’t go there again.”
My stomach lurches. I would have said I already knew that. That I’m not looking to be with any man, but the rejection hurts all the same. “Before, when you courted me.”
A slight nod.
That was the word he used. Courted. It only stopped when he found Christopher kissing me. And me kissing him back. Sutton may claim not to be angry about it, but what other reason could there be for him pulling back? Why else would he have left?
“That’s good,” I manage to say. And I almost mean it.
I’ve always been the girl every boy chased. The one who c
ould always walk away.
I needed to be that girl so that I could keep myself safe, so that I would never end up desperate and alone and scared like my mother. Then two men made me fall for them. Hard. They both walked away at the same time. And look, I could handle the hit to my pride. I can pull up my big girl panties to deal with the humiliation of that.
It’s the blows they dealt to my heart that left me broken. Shattered. I’m like a cartoon statue that’s been hammered. There’s a crack at the impact. The crack spreads into a thousand fractures, until I’m made of a million pieces. There’s a moment in the show when I’m frozen in air that way, and that’s how I’ve been living these past six months—the pieces suspended, waiting to fall. There’s no way to avoid it; the killing blow already happened.
For a moment he looks bereft. “Good,” he repeats.
It breaks my heart a little, that this handsome, virile, charming man would doubt himself. That I ever let him think I wanted Christopher instead of him. “You were enough for me, Sutton. You were enough for anyone.”
He gives a slight shake of his head as if waking from a dream. “It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing between us except the library now. Nothing holding us together anymore.”
It makes me wonder what had held us together before. Attraction? Chemistry? We’d had those in spades, but I remember the wry tone when he’d said, I’m the last person to judge you. It makes me wonder if it had been Christopher binding us together all along.
“There’s something I should tell you. The library…” My breath catches. “It’s more than a restoration. More than rebuilding the front wall. It’s in bad shape. I think the wrecking ball made the building weaker, in places we can’t even see.”
He studies me. “Are you saying you think I can’t save it?”
We aren’t only talking about the library. “I’m asking you to try.”
“And if it can’t be saved?”
The thought sucks the air out of my body, leaving me hollow and thin. There are only two things I’ve fought for—my mother’s life and the library. It’s only a matter of time before I lose the first one. I can’t bear to lose the other one, too. It would break me.
Some of my despair must show on my face, because Sutton’s jaw clenches. “How bad are we talking, Harper?”
“You aren’t my first stop. I asked every construction company in Tanglewood to look at the library. None of them would even bid on it. They said it has to be destroyed.”
I’m expecting a construction crew complete with cranes and drills and whatever else they use to fix old libraries. Instead it’s just Sutton driving a black Explorer, pulling up in the small parking lot between the library and the wasteland that is the west side of the city.
He tells me he has to take a look at the building before he can call a crew and give them information, so I wander through the shelves while he pokes around in the back rooms and climbs into the attic. He comes out smelling of dust and mothballs.
“So what do you think?” I know I must look too hopeful. I sound too hopeful, like someone who doesn’t see that the building is literally falling down around us. It might be asking for a miracle, but when you’re staring death in the face, that’s what you need.
He looks up at the broken stained-glass window. “Harper.”
“I mean I know it’s kind of a mess.” A strange little laugh escapes me. “It’s actually missing the whole front wall. And there’s all this rubble everywhere. I’m sure we can sweep that up.”
Blue eyes darken. “Harper.”
“And then there’s the whole foundation issues. I’m not saying it will be easy.”
“I need you to tell me why. Why do you want to do this?”
“Why don’t I want to do this, that should be the question. Because it will be amazing for the community. Did you notice all the buildings falling down around us? The crime rate around here is… well, you know, it’s bad. Books are the answer to that, Sutton.”