Mia.
Why the fuck can’t I stop thinking about her?
Because you love her.
I bang the heel of my hand against the steering wheel when I’m stopped at a stoplight.
Love is a pathetic, stupid emotion that makes you lose all of your common sense.
The light changes to green and I drive through it. Within five minutes I’m parking outside the trailer I grew up in.
When I was only fourteen-years-old I vowed to buy my mom a home one day. A real one. Not one with wheels beneath it.
She did her best, she took care of me all on her own, but I hated seeing her struggle. I wanted to make it all better.
I will make it better. I thought this was my chance to make good on my promises, but things change.
I hop out and haven’t even made it to the trunk when the door bangs open and she comes running out.
“I can’t believe my eyes! Oh, Hollis, I’m so happy to see you.” She launches herself at me and I chuckle, wrapping my arms around my momma.
She smells exactly like I remember. Freshly baked pies and sugar cookies with a slight tinge of grease from the diner she works at as a waitress. It’s been too long since I’ve been home. I got so caught up in making my dream a reality, I forgot about my roots.
I set her down and look at her. She’s still young, but there are small lines around her eyes and the corners of her mouth. She had me when she was only sixteen, and at forty-one she still looks amazing. Her hair is the same color as mine, pulled back in a sloppy ponytail. Even our features are similar. My eyes are the only thing I seem to have inherited looks wise from my dad. She wears her uniform for the diner and based on the time she’s probably only been home a few minutes. There’s still flour dusted on her cheek.
“I missed you, Ma.” I hug her again, not having realized how much I missed being able to hug my momma.
“I missed you, too.” She squeezes me in only the way a mother can. “What brings about this surprise visit? Where’s your girl?” she asks, looking behind me like Mia’s going to pop out from behind the over grown bush by the mailbox.
She looks back at me with a puzzled expression and I shake my head.
“Oh,” she says, pulling away. “Well, come inside. It’s cold out here.”
She pulls me inside and I leave my shit in the trunk for now.
Inside I sit down at the small kitchen table. It seems even smaller now that I’ve been gone. The whole place is small. But it’s home.
She bustles about the kitchen and hands me a cup of hot chocolate. We used to have hot chocolate every Christmas Eve and stay up watching all our fa
vorite movies.
My mom might’ve been young when she had me, but she was the best mom ever. Still is.
She sits down across from me. “Tell me what happened. It must’ve been bad if you’re here.”
I groan, rubbing my hands over my face, but I open my mouth and fill her in.
By the time I reach the end, telling her what I told Mia, how I … left her, I begin to cry. I don’t even remember the last time I cried.
My mom gets up, coming around the table, and wraps her arms around me. I cry against her and when I compose myself I ask her, “What do I do, Ma?”
“What does your heart tell you?” She holds my face between her hands like she did when I was small.
“I can’t listen to it,” I confess. “She’s better off without me.”
“You’re wrong, baby boy. You’re so wrong.” I swear tears shimmer in her eyes. “You have a beautiful soul and she’s lucky to have you love her, just as you’re lucky to have her. You know you did wrong.”
“But her dad—”