“What did you and Trouble do?”
I know the answer, but I want to hear him say it. I need him to tell me they’re really gone.
“I won’t give you the details, but they’re dead. Neither will ever hurt another child.”
I want to ask for more. Call me morbid, but I want to know how they died. I want to know if they suffered. But I hold my tongue, knowing he won’t give me the details.
“I can’t believe you found them. I’m glad they’re gone.” I pause. “I hope it was painful. I hope they suffered for what they did to me, what they probably did to other children, and what they would have done to that little baby.”
“They did.”
It’s been quiet for a few minutes when a thought pops in my head. I know it’s a sore subject, but it’s something I need to know.
I pull our joined hands closer to me and lay my cheek on top of them. The back of his hand is against my skin, and it feels warm.
“You said you made changes when you guys came back. I saw that some of the buildings were refurbished or torn down and rebuilt.” I lick my lips and take a deep breath. “What about the gazebo?” I ask quietly.
If possible, his eyes darken even further, and self-loathing constricts my heart because I know I hurt him with my question. But that gazebo played such a pivotal part in our childhood. Besides Mae and Dale’s house and The Hill, it was the only place in Sweet Haven we felt safe. It was selfish of me to choose the gazebo for the place I tried to kill myself, and even more so because I wanted them to find me. The gazebo was our sacred ground. I knew it would hurt them to find me, but I also knew they would want it to be them and not one of the adults. My actions that day darken the light the gazebo always provided us.
“It’s still there,” Aziah answers, his voice deeper than normal. “It was never in question whether it would be destroyed.”
My eyes move to his tanned throat. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to keep it standing… because of what I did there.”
“Look at me,” he demands, and I do so. “Every time I see that gazebo, I see you lying there, your body drained of blood and it soaking into your dress. It fuckin’ kills me inside.” A razor-sharp ache forms behind my sternum. “But it was still our place. It was important to all of us.”
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, tears streaming down my face, soaking both of our hands. “I’m sorry I darkened such a beautiful place we all cherished. I’m sorry you all found me like that. I wanted to be in a place where I felt close to you all, because the four of you were the only good things in my life besides Mae and Dale. I know it was wrong of me, and I know none of you would have let me do what I needed to do, but I felt peace there. It’s messed up, but it was like you were all there with me.”
He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “It tore us apart finding you, I ain’t gonna lie. It felt like I was bleeding out beside you. It was my penance for my part in everything.” He shakes his head when I open my mouth to speak. “I know you don’t blame me. It makes no difference if I could or couldn’t have done anything to stop it, I was still a part of your pain, Rella.”
“You’ve got to let that guilt go,” I say gently.
His brows pinch together. “I’ll never let it go.”
“Aziah—”
“My blood is tainted because it’s the same blood that runs through him,” he says vehemently, interrupting me. “I would have never hurt you if he hadn’t made me, but the fact remains, I did hurt you. I tried not to; I swear I did, but it was still me doing those things. It was my body that violated yours. I can’t forget that. I’ll live with it for the rest of my life.”
I sniff and wipe my nose. His face is determined, and it shatters something inside me because he honestly believes what he’s saying. I can tell by his eyes there’s nothing I can say that will make him believe differently. He doesn’t see the wonderful man everyone else sees. A man who would protect and give his own life over hurting another person who didn’t deserve it.
I pull our joined hands from under our cheeks and kiss the back of his. My voice is strong and steady when I tell him with conviction, “You may not see it right now, but one day you’ll see the wonderful man you are, Aziah. One day you’ll understand how lucky everyone is to have you in their life.”
And I’m determined to be the person to make him believe it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
EMO
I SIT BESIDE RELLA at Mae’s table and watch her interact with everyone else. Everyone is here. Trouble, Remi, Elijah, JW, Eden, Thea, Judge, Ellie, and Maisy. Even Ellie’s uncle Declan and Susan, the nurse practitioner who works at Trouble’s office, are here. Mae had to insert the second leaf to her table so we could all fit.
It’s Sunday, which is the day my brothers and their families always come to Mae’s for dinner. This is the first time everyone’s been here together since Rella showed up. The last two Sundays Rella and I stayed home because I didn’t want to overwhelm her being around so many people. Mae understood and was patient. From the smile on her face this evening when we walked in the door, she was very pleased. I hadn’t planned on going tonight either, but when Rella overheard Trouble and Remi talking about going to Mae’s, she said she wanted to.
Rella is so fucking strong. For the first thirty minutes, I could tell she wasn’t altogether comfortable with so many people around, but she’s determined to be part of normal family activities. She’s getting better and better every day. Even now, I’ve heard her laugh and talk more freely than I have since she came to town. And fuck if I can’t keep my eyes off her as I watch her become more and more relaxed.
Feeling eyes on me, I glance over to find Mae watching me. Her gaze slides to Rella for a moment before coming back to me. A small smile tips her lips up. I don’t like the mischievous look slowly appearing on her face and what it means, so I ignore it and look back at Rella.
“So, Rella,” Ellie starts, setting her fork down on her plate. “I don’t know if you’ll be interested, but th
e library is looking for a few people to help with the kids’ activity program they’re starting for the summer next week. Eden, Remi, and I volunteered, and we wondered if you wanted to join in.”