I lift the belt again as I feel their hands all over me. The vileness of their touch and the pain that came during and after. I remember the first time Aziah was forced to violate me. The fear I felt and the way his eyes pleaded with me to forgive him. How broken I was once it was all over.
I slash the belt down one more time before my mind registers what I’ve done. A cry bursts from my lips when my eyes fall on the bloody welts on Aziah’s back. My world shatters and revulsion at myself churns in my stomach. I let out a wail of sorrow because Aziah and I both are just two fucked-up people living in a dark and painful world. I’ve just hurt one of the only people in the world who’s ever tried to save me. I cry so hard I can’t catch my breath and my throat turns raw.
I squeeze my eyes shut, my arms lying limply at my sides. When I realize I’m still holding the belt, I release it like it’s just burnt my hand.
My
knees turn weak and dizziness clouds my mind. My legs give out, but before I can hit the ground, warm arms are wrapped around me, holding me up against a hard chest.
“I’m sorry,” Aziah croaks. “I’m so goddamn sorry, Rella.”
I sag against his hard chest, desperately seeking something to hold on to.
“I can’t do that anymore,” I cry and look up at him imploringly. “Please don’t ask that of me again.”
Torment and regret fill his eyes, making them even darker. I can barely see the whites of his eyes.
“Never again,” he asserts, his tone filled with anguish. “Fuck, Rella. I’m so sorry.” He says it over and over again.
I stay huddled against him, my arms around his waist and his arms bound tightly around my shoulders. This is the first time he’s held me like this. Like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing. Like he’s afraid to let me go.
After several moments, my cries become quiet, hiccupping sobs and my chest finally doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode.
When I pull back from him, his eyes move over my face before narrowing on my clothes.
“Shit. I’ve got blood all over you,” he states roughly, regretfully.
I look down to inspect my clothes and find blood on my chest and shoulders. Some has smeared on my neck, and I’m sure there’s some on my face too. It’s from the many wounds on his arms.
“I need to let you clean up. If you go back to Trouble’s house like this, he’ll kill me.”
I wouldn’t go as far as that, but he’d for sure be upset and would want to know what happened. I have no plans to tell Trouble what went on in this basement. All I want to do is forget it ever happened.
He grabs my hand and tugs me behind him. “Let’s go.”
I follow him up the stairs, his steps slow, almost sluggish, and worry if it’s because of all the blood he’s lost or if he’s going through an emotional dump. My own steps are lethargic, my head beginning to pound from the stress.
He takes me to the spare bathroom, dropping my hand as soon as we’re in front of the sink. He takes a step back. “I’m going to grab you some clothes so you can take a shower.”
When he turns to leave, I grab his arm. “Wait.” He drops his head, taking a deep breath before lifting it again and facing me. I lick my lips nervously, knowing what I’m going to ask is a huge step, especially for me. But it’s something I need. I need the closeness with him after what just happened.
I lift my lashes and look straight into his eyes.
“Please don’t leave,” I implore softly. “I don’t want to be alone right now. Will you… please take a shower with me?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EMO
WILL YOU… PLEASE TAKE a shower with me?
Those words have my heart galloping erratically in my chest and all the air in my lungs whooshing out in one long exhale.
Does she have any idea what she’s asking? She has to. She’s an adult. She knows what this means.
How in the hell can the girl I was forced to rape over and over again as a child ask me to get naked and shower with her? Why would she want to, especially after what I just made her do to me in the basement? I have no idea what possessed me to ask her to do such a thing. I just knew I needed her to punish me for what I was forced to do to her. I could have asked Grace or even Trouble, but I needed her to do it. Remembering the pain on her face, the devastation in her eyes…. That’s a regret I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I have so many when it comes to this woman.
She’s not asking for sex, but being naked with someone and bathing with them is one of the most intimate things two people can do. As a child, I saw Rella naked many times, but never willingly. And never while she had womanly curves.