I cut him off, throwing my hands on my hips like some angry teenager, and step closer to him. “Stop,” I say sternly. “You have every right, Aziah. It doesn’t make you anything but human.”
“It makes me a sick pervert.”
“Now who’s being stupid?” I ask angrily. “Why in the world would it make you a pervert?”
He grits his teeth and grinds out, “Because I touched you when you were a child. I should be repulsed by the idea of touching you again.”
I close the remaining distance between us. “You were a child too. It’s not like you were one of the adults wanting to do those things. You were forced every bit as much as I was.” Lifting his hand, I place it, palm open, against my cheek. “We’re both adults now. Our past will always be a part of us, but it doesn’t have to affect the future. I don’t want it to anymore. I’ve lived my life in the shadows, always scared and feeling alone. I want to finally live and truly be happy.”
Some of the darkness fades from his eyes. “You can, and you should. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you.”
“I want the same thing for you.”
“I don’t know if it’s possible for me.”
“It is if you let it. Don’t let him win by ruining your future.”
His fingers curl against my cheek, curving around the side of my face, and his thumb strokes gently against my skin. It’s so unlike him to show any type of affection. I bask in the glory of it and wish he would show this gentle side more often.
“What happened in the shower can’t happen again.” He pulls his hand away from my face, but locks our fingers together, like he wants to stay connected to me just as badly as I want to stay connected to him.
“What if I want it to happen again?”
“It can’t. Not counting our past, you’re Trouble’s sister.”
“So?” I shrug. “He won’t have a problem with it.” I sit down on the couch and tug him down beside me. “I’m not saying I expect more. I’m not even sure I’m capable of more. But for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel fear being close to someone like that. That kiss….” I close my eyes and sigh. Flipping them back open, I look deeply into his eyes. “That kiss felt right. It felt perfect. It felt like the beginning of something beautiful.”
Something painful passes in his eyes before he blinks and the look is gone. “You only felt that way because you believe I’m your only safe choice right now. There’s someone else out there that will make you feel that way too one day.”
It may be irrational of me or maybe even stupid, but I know he’s wrong. He’s the one. Something tells me Aziah is the only one who will ever make me feel the way that kiss did.
I keep those thoughts to myself, knowing he’s not ready to hear them yet. I’m still having trouble thinking them.
I shake my head slowly and offer a small smile. “It doesn’t matter right now. I’m tired. Will you lay with me on the couch?”
Indecision wars on his face, but after a moment, he inclines his head, sending a happy thrill through me.
Once he’s situated with his back smushed against the back of the couch, I lie down facing him. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I lay my head down on his chest. The couch is small, so we’ve got no choice but to press our bodies together. It’s amazing to think how I went from abhorring any form of touch to being completely comfortable in his arms, even craving his embrace. It’s just another reason that makes me believe this is the way it’s supposed to be.
“I’m sorry I left,” he rumbles, his voice deep and even.
His abs flex when I lay my hand just below his sternum. “You worried me,” I reveal, unable to keep the hurt from my voice. “I didn’t know what you were thinking.”
“I just needed some time. The thought of you being pregnant, so godda
mn young, and knowing they hurt you when….” He pulls in a deep breath and lets it out. “I couldn’t fuckin’ take it. I needed to be alone before I lost my shit.”
I wrap my arm tighter around him. “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore.”
“I don’t know if I can promise that.”
I tip my head back and look at him. “Then do what you asked me to do. Let me know. I don’t want you to be alone when you feel that need. Maybe I can help.”
His jaw is tight, but he nods anyway. I lie back down on his chest, hearing the steady beat of his heart. I love the sound.
“Will you come back to Trouble’s with me?”
“I think it’s best I stay here.”