Whispered Prayers of a Girl

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean….” I trail off, not really knowing what I meant.

His eyes lose some of the heat and he looks past me to the house. “It’s okay.” He takes a deep breath, then brings his eyes back to me. “It was Clara’s dream. The plans for the house… they were all her ideas. I gave input here and there, but I let her have free rein.” He stops and rubs his hands down his face and looks away from me. “That house was supposed to be hers and our children’s, and I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else.”

I nod. “I get it.”

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while. The sun is actually peeking out for the first time in days, and I wonder if it’s finally over. I watch the way the sun reflects off the snow, making it look like it’s sparkling.

After a while, I decide to go back inside. I’ve encroached on Alexander’s time alone long enough. Right as I open the screen door, he calls my name, and I look at him.

“Snow’s letting up. They’ll probably get to the roads tomorrow.”

I ignore the way his words make me feel.

“Yeah. I figured so.”

He’s quiet for a moment, and I think he’s done, so I turn to go inside, but then he shocks me.

“It’s been nice having you and the kids here,” he says quietly.

Again, I ignore the way his words make me feel. Except this time, it’s not sorrow, but pleasure. I’m glad to know we weren’t a complete burden to him, that he enjoyed us being here. I know I’ve enjoyed it, and from Daniel’s excited nonstop chatter, and the signs of life from Kelsey, they have too.

I smile. “Thank you for taking us in. It’s been really nice. It’s peaceful here.”

“Yeah,” he says, then looks out across the yard. “If the cell towers are back up I’ll call Travis tonight to get an update about the roads.”

“Okay.”

I go back inside, hating the fact that we could be gone tomorrow. There’s no telling when we’ll see him again, and that thought doesn’t settle well in my stomach. It actually twists it in knots. I’ve got no right to feel this way. The only reason we’re here is because we had no choice, and it’s only been three days, but I’ve gotten used to waking up and seeing him. I don’t know why, but I look forward to it.

The kids are done eating when I walk back inside, so I wash the few dishes that are dirty. After, I roll some hamburger meat into meatballs and throw them in the crockpot for dinner along with some seasoning, the whole time silently wishing the snow would pick back up and keep us here a few more days.

That evening, after everyone is finished with dinner and the kitchen is cleaned, we all sit in the living room watching Lilo and Stitch, one of Daniel’s favorite movies. He’s on his stomach on the floor with Gigi lying beside him. Both canine and boy have taken a strong liking to the other. Several of the puppies are curled up next to Daniel, while the rest are against their mom. I may have to talk to Alexander about getting one of the pups when they’re ready to be adopted.

And no, I’m not using that as an excuse to see him again. Or that’s what I tell myself anyway.

I’m sitting on one end of the couch, Alexander on the other, with Kelsey between us. I was surprised when he stopped on the movie even before Daniel had a chance to ask. I wouldn’t have pegged him for watching cartoon movies, and it brings a smile to my face because I know he’s doing it for Daniel. Every time Daniel laughs at something that happens, I catch Alexander looking at him. I think he likes knowing he’s pleased my son.

Kelsey’s sitting cross-legged watching the movie, but she doesn’t laugh when something funny happens, instead just stares at the screen. I’d give anything to hear her giggle again.

Once the movie is over, I get up from the couch to put the clothes from the washer into the dryer. This is the second time I’ve washed clothes since being here. I can’t stand wearing the same clothes more than one day.

When I walk back into the living room, Kelsey has her drawing pad in her lap again and Daniel is rolling around on the floor with squirming puppies all over him. Alexander’s sitting at the bar with the same notepad he had earlier outside.

I walk to the back of the couch. “Hey, kids. I’m going to grab a shower.”

“Okay, Mom,” says a distracted Daniel. I get a blank stare from Kelsey.

I turn to Alexander. “Are they okay out here?”

“Yeah.”

With a nod, I turn and go to Alexander’s bathroom. I’ve gotten used to using his room to sleep in, but for some reason it still feels weird using his bathroom to shower. Maybe it’s because he caught me using it without his permission yesterday. Or it might be because I smell him every time I enter the room. His smell lingers in the bedroom, but more so in the bathroom, because that’s where he puts his deodorant on, washes his body, and shampoos his hair. It reminds me of when I was looking at his cologne in the medicine cabinet and wondered what it smelled like. Now I know, and I’ll only ever admit to myself, it smells heavenly.

I turn the shower on and strip down, leaving my folded clothes on the edge of the sink. Before stepping in the shower, I open the medicine cabinet and pull out the disposable razor and shaving cream I spotted the other day. I know I shouldn’t use it without asking first, but it’s a disposable and I’m sure he has more somewhere. I haven’t shaved in days, and I can’t stand the little pricklies on my legs any longer. I’ll tell him I used it so he knows to toss it and get another if he’s grossed out by it.

I sigh in relief when I rub my hands up my now smooth legs, then wash my hair. My emergency bag didn’t include shampoo, conditioner, or body wash, so the kids and I have been using Alexander’s. I take a big whiff of the body soap, enjoying the smell way too much, before lathering up the washcloth.

Five minutes later, I turn the shower off, grab a towel, and dry off. Somehow the curtain must have not closed all the way, because there’s water on the floor. Not seeing it until it’s too late, I slip, and I grab for the sink to catch myself. In doing so, I knock my clothes, then watch in slow motion as they fall from the sink and into the open toilet. When I realize what’s happening, I try to grab the clothes, and end up sliding again in the water. My hip slams into the corner of the counter, and I cry out at the pain, then fall to my knees.