Whispered Prayers of a Girl

That’s all it takes for my legs to give out, and I sink to my knees, right there in front of my mom and dad. A churning starts in my stomach, and I feel like I’m going to puke. A buzzing starts in my ears and the outside edges of my vision start to blur. My chest heaves rapidly and tingles form at the tips of my fingers. I know I’m on the verge of a panic attack and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

The only thing that brings me back is the hard grip on my shoulder and Kelsey’s whimpered, “I’m scared, Alexander.”

I focus my gaze and see my mother’s tear-filled eyes looking at me. She’s on the floor in front of me, with my dad beside her, his hand on my shoulder.

To my father, I say, “Grab my keys from the bar. Gwen and the kids have been in an accident.” I don’t have time to explain more, and thankfully they don’t ask.

He stands and pulls keys from his pocket. “We’ll take mine.”

“Do you know where you are, Kelsey?” I barely get out through my thick throat.

I push past the sick feeling in my stomach and stand on shaky legs. We’re already heading out the door when Kelsey answers.

“We were j-just turning on the r-road that leads to y-your h-house.”

I relay the information to my mother and tell her to call 911. She whips out her phone and immediately starts dialing.

Feeling like someone’s reached inside my chest and is squeezing my heart with needle-lined gloves, I run toward my parents’ car. Sensing my urgency, they both run behind me, getting in the car only seconds after me.

“We’re coming, Kelsey,” I promise hoarsely. “Just stay on the phone with me, okay?”

Her “Okay” sounds so small and fragile.

I hear my mom in the back seat talking to a dispatcher, explaining as much as she can without having any details except for the location and that there’s an unconscious woman and two children. My dad speeds out of the driveway, and I’m glad he decided to drive. I’m not sure I would be able to at the moment. My phone repeatedly taps against my ear from my hand shaking so much.

It’s only about five minutes from my house, but it takes us less than two. There are two cars sitting haphazardly on the side of the road. One has the front end totally smashed in with the front windshield shattered. Even through the shattered glass, you can see the blood splattered on the inside.

As sad as it is that it appears the driver is probably dead, my only concern is the other car, which is flipped over. I climb from the car, my eyes never leaving Gwen’s. My legs feel numb as I walk closer to it. Through the busted-out window, I can see Gwen’s dark brown hair. Not her face, not her body, just her fucking hair.

My legs freezing in place about twenty feet away. My chest feels likes there’s a ten-ton boulder sitting on it. The phone I still have clutched in my hand falls from my fingers. I don’t hear it hit the ground. I don’t hear my father calling my name or see him running toward Gwen’s truck while my mom goes to check on the occupants of the other car. I don’t see him helping Kelsey and Daniel out or hear their hysterical cries. I don’t hear when Daniel notices me and starts screaming my name. I don’t hear the far-off sounds of sirens that are still too fucking far away.

My eyes are focused on the matted brown hair. It’s like I have tunnel vision and that’s all I can see; nothing else exists. Then the vision changes, and it’s Clara’s pleading eyes that I see. It’s her hoarse screams begging me to save Rayne that I hear. It’s Clara’s contorted face after the water swallowed her up, and the black abyss in the back seat as I looked for Rayne when I was pulled from the car. It’s Rayne’s cries, and the resounding silence when they abruptly stopped.

Then it changes again. Clara is replaced with Gwen. It’s Gwen’s brown hair that floats in the water, almost giving her an ethereal appearance. It’s Gwen’s terrified blue gaze that silently begs me. It’s Gwen’s hand that tries to reach for me, that I’m unable to grab hold of.

Something in me snaps, and I’m hurtled back into the here and now. Everything crashes back into focus all at once. My heart slams against my rib cage when I realize I’ve been standing here way too long while Gwen’s been in the car, maybe dying. That thought has my feet beating against the pavement as I run toward the truck.

Ten feet away, a hysterical cry has me looking to the left. My dad has a distraught Kelsey in his arms. She’s screaming “Mama” over and over again as she struggles with everything she has, trying to break free and run back to the truck. Her arms are stretched out, her fingers opening and closing pathetically, as if trying to grab for her mom. I can see my dad is having a hard time keeping hold of her. If it wasn’t for the urgency of the situation, I’d be amazed at her strength.

Looking back at Gwen’s ruined car and her brown hair, I take a chance and run the few feet to Kelsey and my dad. She needs to calm down before she hurts herself. I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to her.

I come to a stop in front of them, but it’s as though Kelsey doesn’t even see me. Her eyes are frantic as she strains to look around me at the truck and screams for her mother. I grab her cheeks and step fully in front of her, blocking her view of the truck. The sight of her red and swollen eyes, tear-soaked cheeks, heaving chest, and trembling body has my throat clogging. I quickly take stock of the rest of her and am glad when I only see a small scratch on her cheek.

Her eyes are on me now, but they stay unfocused, the pupils dilated, and I know she still doesn’t see me. Her struggles have slowed now that she’s not able to see the car, but haven’t died down completely. My dad is still bent with one arm wrapped tightly around her waist and one around her upper body.

“Kelsey,” I call. When she still looks through me, I say her name more forcefully and shake her lightly, needing to get her attention quickly so I can get to Gwen. “Kelsey!” Her pupils finally shrink and her eyes focus on me. The plea in them reminds me of Clara’s when she begged me to save Rayne. I have to grit my teeth and force myself to not go back down that dark hole of remembrance.

“I need you to calm down for me, okay? I’m going to go get your mom, but I need you to stay here with David. He’s my dad and will take care of you.” I stop, making sure she hears me, then ask, “Can you do that for me?”

It only takes her a couple of seconds before she nods. “Okay,” she croaks.

I lean forward and kiss her forehead, then pull back. My eyes briefly lift to my dad’s. He gives me a nod, and I know he’ll care for her. I look around quickly and am satisfied when I see a crying Daniel in my mom’s arms a few feet away.

My stomach bottoms out as I turn back to the car.

You can’t fucking have her, I demand silently to God. You’ve taken enough from me. I barely survived last time. I know I won’t be able to a second time. She’s mine, and I need her. I refuse to let you take her!

When I skid to a stop at her side of the car, I still don’t see her face. It’s turned slightly to the side and her mane of thick hair falls down, hiding her from view. I can see her body though, as it hangs upside down from the still buckled seat belt. The steering wheel keeps her legs from hanging down, but her arms hang lifelessly, her hands resting against the roof.