My hands tighten on my tea cup when I say, “I’m not going out tonight.”
“Ahh…” she nods and smiles knowingly, as if she understands. “You have someone lined up already.”
“Nope.” I drop my eyes down to my cup, looking at the dregs at the bottom.
“Nathan or Tegan?” she asks.
“No. I’m staying in tonight.”
“Abby—”
“To experiment.”
She looks worried when I look up at her. She has every right to be. Ever since her and I met, I’ve never tried ignoring my addiction. I have in the past, before I met her, and before the support groups, but once we—meaning Nathan, Tegan, and I—decided to embrace our sexual vices and leave the meetings that weren’t helping us behind, I’ve always openly pursued men to take care of my needs.
“What brought this on?” Her question is asked quietly.
I shrug and give her a little bit of what I’m feeling. “I’m just tired of the same old thing. I’m tired of having sex with different men every night. I’m tired of sex, period.” The last isn’t true. I’m just tired of sex with any man, except Blue. “It’s been a while since I’ve tried going without. It’s about time I try again, just to see if I can do it.”
She looks doubtful. She’s seen me at my darkest, when the cramps are so unbearable that they bring me to my knees. When I sweat so much, it soaks my clothes, and the shakes that rack my body, the vomiting, and the anger that takes control. I know I’m probably setting myself up for an extremely painful night, but I’m determined to see if I can handle it. I need to know if I can force my addiction back. Not just because if I can, there may be a chance for me and Blue, but for my own peace of mind.
“I’m coming over tonight,” she says, chewing on her bottom lip. She doesn’t want me to go through this by myself.
“Thank you, Ava,” I tell her sincerely. “But I need to do this on my own.”
“Abby, you shouldn’t be alone. You know it’s going to get bad.”
My heart clenches at the anxious tone of her voice. I reach over and grab her hand, linking our fingers together.
“This is something I need to do. You have no idea how much it means to me that you want to be there, but please, I need this.”
After several seconds, she nods in understanding.
I squeeze her hand, then let go.
“Thank you.”
“But call me if you need me,” she adds sternly. “Have you told Nathan or Tegan? One of them needs to be on standby if things get too hard.”
I smile, loving that she’s so concerned about me. She really is a good friend.
“Not yet. I’m calling Nathan when we leave here. It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment decision.”
She nods, then leans across the table, bringing her face closer to mine to talk quietly. “I know there’s more that’s going on. I get you don’t want to talk right now, but when you are ready, you know I’m only a call away, right? I’m always here for you.”
“I know.” I avert my eyes and take a deep breath, before facing her again. “Just give me a few days. I’m going through shit right now that I need to figure out first.”
“Okay,” she agrees softly, not at all offended I’m keeping secrets from her. I have my suspicions that she carries her own secrets she hasn’t told anyone about.
The mood for food gone, we decide to call it a night. We pay our bill and walk out of the diner together. Before heading to our cars, she pulls me in for a hug.
“Promise you’ll call me if you need me, and Nathan if the pain gets to be too much. And call me tomorrow to tell me how it went,” she says against my ear.
I kiss her cheek and pull back. “I promise to all three.”
She searches my eyes for the truth. Once she’s satisfied with what she finds, she steps back.
We say our good-byes and move to our cars. I sit in silence for several minutes before pulling out my phone and shooting Nathan a quick message, not giving details, but letting him know I may need him tonight. He responds that he’ll be there if I need him. I lean my head back against the headrest and blow out a breath. Tonight is going to be a long night, but I’m bound and determined to do what needs to be done.