Blue throws the washcloth in the sink beside me, then scoops me up in his arms. My legs go back around his waist, and his still semihard cock slides along my center. The wetness he wiped away only seconds ago is replaced by my own body’s natural reaction to having him touch me intimately.
When he sets us both down on the bed, I try to scoot from his lap. His hands on my hips stop me.
“Stay here,” he says, rubbing his thumbs over my skin.
It feels good, but I can’t let him distract me. And I can’t be in his arms when I tell him my truths. As soon as the words leave my mouth, he’ll want nothing to do with me. I won’t be able to handle the look he’ll give me, and the disgusted way he’ll shove me aside.
Steeling my resolve, I push his hands away, crawl from his lap, and put some much-needed distance between us. “I can’t. I need my space to tell you what I need to.”
His brow dips down into a frown, but he nods and doesn’t try to pull me back to him. Stalling for time, because I’m a coward, I gather a couple pillows and carefully arrange them against the headboard, before settling back against them. Outwardly, I may appear comfortable, but on the inside, I’m quaking so much it’s making me queasy. Luckily, after our fuck session, the shakes are gone and the cramps have disappeared. Remembering the pain I just went through, reinforces my need to tell him the truth, because once I do, he’ll never want anything to do with me again. Maybe with his distaste, I can get over whatever it is that is between us, and I can go back to my normal life of sleeping with nameless men.
Even as I think that, a sour taste forms in my mouth.
“Abby,” Blue calls, drawing my attention back to him. I look at him and swallow through a thick throat. He reaches out and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering on my cheek. “Everything is going to be okay. Just tell me what’s wrong, and we’ll get through it.”
He makes it sound so easy, like no matter what I say, he’ll be by my side. He makes us sound like a team, even though we just met a few days ago.
I nod and blow out a deep breath. Keeping my eyes locked on his, because I refuse to miss the abhorrent look I know is coming, I say bluntly, “I have a hypersexual disorder.”
A look of confusion crosses his face. “Wait. What is that?”
“Sexual addiction,” I say, wincing. “I’m addicted to sex. If I don’t have it at least once a day… well, you saw the condition I was in in the shower.”
I don’t say anything more, giving him the opportunity to take stock of what I said. He just looks at me blankly. No emotions appear on his face. No disgust, no dislike, no revulsion. Nothing. I wait and wait and wait, but they don’t appear. He keeps quiet for several long seconds, and the silence is killing me. He may not be showing distaste, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it. He may just be good at hiding the emotions he doesn’t want me to see.
I’m startled when Blue shifts so he’s facing me. His knee brushes my upper thigh, and I fight with myself not to move it away. His eyes look contemplative as he looks at me.
“Okay,” he says. “That wasn’t what I was expecting. Explain this to me. If you don’t have sex once a day, you writhe in pain and become incompetent?”
I flinch at the word ‘incompetent,’ although it’s true. In reality, I depend on the men around me to take care of something I can’t do myself. I hate that I’m vulnerable in that way, when I’m so independent in every other way. It makes me sound weak, and I don’t view myself as weak at all. In fact, I think I push myself extra hard because of my apparent weakness.
Blue sees this and scoots closer to me. “I didn’t mean—”
I hold up my hand, cutting off his words.
“No, you’re right. When the cramps and shakes take hold, I do become incapable of caring for myself. That’s why I never let it get that far.”
“How long have you… had this addiction?”
“Eight years,” I answer unashamedly. He wants the truth; he’s going to get it. I haven’t felt shame for my addiction in years, and I won’t start now. I may regret how I used him tonight, but the pain had me delirious. All I wanted was to make it go away.
He looks forward for a moment, and roughly rubs the back of his head. When he turns back to me, there’s a little pinch line between his brow, but I still can’t tell what he’s thinking.
“Have you seen anyone about this?”
I nod and laugh humorlessly. “I used to go to a support group, but stopped seven years ago when it wasn’t helping. I’ve also tried several different kinds of antidepressants, with no success. Me and few friends decided we didn’t need the group, or wanted to unsuccessfully suppress our addictions anymore. It was pointless for each of us.” I lean closer to him and glare. “Why aren’t you jumping from the bed to get away from me? Why aren’t you looking at me with aversion?”
I can’t understand why he’s still calmly sitting there. It’s not every day that you come across someone with a sexual addiction, especially one that forces the person to have sex every day. In the last eight years, I’ve never missed a day. Even during my period, I come up with nifty ways to have sex. Men are harder to find during that time, but I still manage it. For Blue to not freak out or spew vile words, or at the very least look at me weird, is certainly not something I expected.
I tense up when he reaches over and grabs my hand. I look down with perplexity as he twines our fingers together.
“Is that what people normally do?” His question brings my gaze back to him. Not because of the question itself, but the tone of his voice when he asks it. The move he made with our hands was sweet, but the look on his face is not. His jaw is ticking, and there’s a barely controlled fire in his eyes. Once again, this man confuses me.
“Most of the time, yes.”
He yanks me forward by our connected fingers, and my chest falls against his. I make no move to stop him when he lifts me by my hips and plants me firmly in his lap, my legs straddling him. I’m still shocked at how well he’s taking this.
“Well, those people are idiots, and don’t deserve to know you anyway,” he says harshly. His gaze softens fractionally before he leans forward. I tense when his lips get a hairsbreadth away from mine, still unsure how I feel about breaking my no kiss rule. He stops only for a second, waiting for my reaction, before he closes the distance and settles his lips over mine.