Always Wanting (Consumed)

ckie’s tonight. It’s time you do something else besides sit in this house and mope around, stressing.”

“Fuck you, Nathan. You know that’s not an option, either.” I lean my head back against the cushions and stare up at the ceiling. “I’m not ready for that.”

The fucked-up part is I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for another man to touch me. Colt has totally fucking screwed me over for other men. I love him so fucking much, but I also hate him for doing this to me.

As I sit there, staring at the small white flecks on my ceiling, I really start to freak out, the truth of what my life will be like from now on hits me hard, stealing all my breath. I start to pant, and my chest hurts something fierce. For once, the sweat popping out on my forehead is for something other than my addiction. I clutch at my chest when it gets too painful to draw in a breath. My vision is going cloudy, and my hearing goes muffled.

“Fuck!” I barely hear Nathan through the fog in my ears. “Head between your legs and breathe, Abby.” He grips the back of my neck and shoves me forward until my head is hanging over the couch between my legs. I take in a few deep breaths, trying to force the impending blackout I know is coming. I feel tears drip from my eyes and splash against my bare feet.

After several minutes, the blackness starts to fade, and now I’m suddenly shivering from my clammy skin and the cool air in the room. I sit up enough to put my elbows on my knees with my head in my hands.

“I don’t know what to do, Nathan.” My voice is weak, and for once, I don’t care if he hears it. I’m tired of pretending like I’m strong.

He rubs my back. “Let’s just get through today, and we’ll see what tomorrow brings, okay?”

With no other choice but to take his advice, I nod. Neither of us says anything for a while, and the quiet is starting to get to me. I sit up slowly and turn to face him, leaning my arm on the couch with my head resting against it. I’m so damn tired.

“Distract me. Have you seen your neighbor lately?”

Nathan has an obsession with his neighbor across the street from his apartment building. On several occasions, I’ve caught him watching her with a longing look in his eyes. The same look his eyes carry now as he stares off into space.

“A few nights ago.” His voice comes out husky, and I know he’s remembering the last time he saw her.

“It was the night you were late, wasn’t it?”

He looks over at me, a look of guilt crossing his face. “Yes.”

I’m not mad at him. It’s not his fault he’s caught up in my drama. It’s me that should feel guilty, and I do, for keeping him away from something he wants. He’s been too good to me. I need to start worrying about my problems myself, and stop depending on Nathan to be here with me. I’ll worry about that tomorrow, though.

“Are you ever going to go over and introduce yourself?” I ask.

Nathan may get his kicks from watching other people, but he also likes to partake at times too. He’s not like me. His addiction is more complex, whereas mine is more specific.

“Eventually.”

“How are Tegan and Ava?”

Another bout of guilt worms it’s way in. I’ve been avoiding them both. I just haven’t been in the mood to answer the questions I know they’ll have. I know they both worry, and I’ve sent them text messages to try to alleviate that worry, but any time they call or try to make plans to meet up, I make up some kind of excuse to get out of it. I’ve been coming straight home from work, and don’t leave again until the next day when I have to go back. It terrifies me to go out, for fear of my needs tempting me into doing something I’m not ready for. I need to get over it.

“They’re both good. Just worried about you.”

I nod and drop my eyes from his, hoping he doesn’t see the pain I feel at his words.

“Hey.” He reaches over and lifts my head with his finger. “It’s going to be okay.”

The earnest way he says it makes me want to believe him so much, but I just don’t see how it can be. If anything, the pain at night is getting worse. And with me out of options, there’s not a damn thing I can do to make it better.

Even still, I give him a small smile. I hate seeing the worry in his eyes.

“You go get in the shower, and I’ll order us some Chinese food. We’ll veg on the couch and watch a movie.”

Blowing out a breath, I nod and get up from the couch, taking the pill bottle with me. I don’t need them yet, but I know I will soon. It’s just past six in the evening. I’ve got a couple hours left before my life starts spiraling out of control again.

Nathan sits on the chair in the corner as my body convulses with shivers, and I moan with pain, the ache between my legs making it hard to get comfortable. He’s tense as he sits there, and I know he wants to crawl into bed with me to relieve the pain. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t tried the last ten days. Except for that first night, he’s made no move toward helping me in that way. I’m grateful, because I’m not sure if I would be able to turn him away. The night Colt was late, in the bathroom when I reached for Nathan, I almost caved. I reached for him, even went so far as pulling his pants down and grabbing his hard cock, but I just couldn’t follow through. The pain in my heart from touching another man far outweighed the pain in my stomach. Instead, I fell to my knees and cried like a fucking baby. After gently putting me in the shower to cool my body down, Nathan carried me to the bed, went back to the bathroom and dug around my medicine cabinet until he found the Valium I had forgotten about. My cries became hiccupping sobs of relief. My hope that the pills would work was the only thing that kept me from completely losing it. And thankfully, they did work, but now I’m out.

Still hurting unbearably, my eyes start to drift closed, the pills running through my bloodstream, making it hard to stay focused. I welcome the darkness that’s closing in on me. Right before I close my eyes for the last time, I see Nathan pull out his phone.

I feel hands drifting over my breasts, kneading the plump mounds and sending pleasurable shivers over my body. My nipples pucker into almost painfully hard points, but a warm mouth takes the pain away and replaces it with tingles of delight. I arch my back, wanting more of the intense feeling. I drill my hands into thick hair and push the head further against my breasts. Colt’s woodsy scent drifts around me. I open my eyes and see Colt’s amazing eyes staring up at me, his mouth full with one of my nipples. He gives it a tug with his teeth, before releasing it.