Watching Mine

I was hoping he would ask me back to his place after fucking my brains out in the storage room, but he ended up getting a phone call and had to leave. Some work-related emergency, he’d said. Instead, he walked me to my car, took my phone and put his number in it, then completely consumed my mouth, and left me aching. With a promise to call me soon, he pushed me in my car, closed my door, and watched as I pulled out of the parking lot. The whole trip back to my apartment, I was in a daze. A sexual daze caused by someone I knew only in the physical sense.

I should be ashamed for letting myself be swept up by some stranger I really didn’t know anything about. I didn’t though. Except for a period of bad judgement when I was a teenager, I was always the good girl. The one who always made good grades, never skipped school, never let peer pressure sway me away from the right path. I dated, but they were the good-boy-next-door types.

I want Nathan, and I want him bad. Something about him calls to me, and I’m going to answer that call. At least for the time being. I know nothing permanent will come of it. I don’t have time for permanent, and to be honest, men like Nathan only do temporary anyway, so it works out.

My cell phone on the nightstand rings, and I reach over and pick it up. Seeing Mom’s name across the screen, I swipe to accept it.

“Hey, Mom. How’s Hawaii?”

I sit up in bed and lean back against the headboard.

“It’s beautiful, Em,” she says, and I hear the smile in her voice. “We wish you were here.”

“Me too.” I was invited to go along on their vacation. I wanted to so much, but I had a big exam at school that I couldn’t miss. “But I promise to be on the next vacation.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

I pick at the covers over my legs. “How’s Avery?”

That’s one of the things I miss the most about not going with them to Hawaii; spending time with Avery.

“She’s good. She’s had a smile on her face since we’ve been here.” She laughs. “You should have seen her face when they gave her a lei when we first got here. She hasn’t taken it off since, except to sleep, shower, and swim.”

A pang hits my chest, and I draw my knees up to hug them. What I wouldn’t give to be there right now witnessing her excitement.

“Please make sure you get plenty of pictures,” I tell Mom croakily.

“Oh, sweetie, you know I will,” she reassures me, a hint of sadness in her voice. She knows how hard this is on me.

I sniff and push away the threatening tears. I don’t want to dampen their time away.

“So, tell me your plans for the day,” I ask, forcing cheeriness in my voice. I pull the phone away from my ear and look at the time. “And why are you up so early? Isn’t it like four thirty in the morning there?”

“We’re still on eastern time. I woke up at four and couldn’t get back to sleep.” There’s a shuffling sound, then murmurs before Mom speaks again. “We’re going to do some shopping today, and later scuba dive.”

I smile. “That sounds like fun.” There’re more quietly spoken words on her end. “Is that Avery?”

“Yeah. She was just saying she wanted to talk to you.”

A moment later, Avery’s high-pitched girly voice comes over the phone.

“Hey, Em! I got you a pretty lei and we’re going shopping today! I told Mom I wanted to bring you home a bunch of gifts since you couldn’t come with us! And later today we’re going to scuba dive and look at all the coral! We saw fireworks last night! They were so pretty and big! I tried to take some pictures of them for you, but they came out all fuzzy!”

I laugh at her excited chatter. Avery, eight years old and so full of life. She’s also very lucky to be here. If it weren’t for my parents and Jessika, she wouldn’t be. Guilt, shame, and remorse mingle with a love so astounding that it fills my heart to bursting.

To Avery, I’m Em, her big sister, but to me, Avery’s my beloved daughter. A daughter I nearly lost because of my own stupid selfishness. Every single day, I thank God that he spared her, and that my parents were there to care for her when I couldn’t. I’m not sure if she’ll ever know me as her mom, and while that hurts, I will gladly give up my role as parent and be the best big sister a girl could have if that means she’s safe and healthy. I don’t deserve anything more than that.

“Sounds like you’re having a great time, sweetie.”

I lay my head on my raised knees and close my eyes.

“It would be so much better if you were here,” she says, breaking my heart straight down the middle.

I have to clear my throat before I speak. “I’ll be at the next family vacation, and when you come back, you can show me all the pictures you take.”

She goes on to gush about all the pretty flowers

she’s seen, how the water is so clear she can see her feet when she’s swimming, how good the food is, and how nice the people are. Even though it’s only been three days since I’ve seen her, it still makes me wish I could reach through the phone and squeeze her small body in my arms.