Watching Mine

“Tell me about Avery,” he says quietly into the dark.

I’m mostly on my stomach with his body smashed up against mine. My head is turned away, so he doesn’t see my face scrunch up in pain. I know he feels the tenseness of my body though, because his fingers stop their caressing for a moment before they start again.

I pull in a deep breath for encouragement and turn to face him. I knew this conversation was going to happen eventually, and I think I’m ready. His hand goes around my back once I’m situated and he tugs me closer. He gets up on an elbow and gazes down at me, patience written on his face. I lock my eyes on his, needing that connection.

“I told you last night that I didn’t cope well with Jason’s death. What I didn’t tell you was how bad I let it take me under.” I lick my suddenly dry lips and forge ahead. “The pain was just too great, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I rebelled. Stayed out all hours of the night. Started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. The only thing that lessened the pain enough for me to cope was drugs. At first it was marijuana, but that soon became not enough, so I moved on to meth.” I turn my head away in shame, but he brings it back by gripping my jaw. Swallowing tightly, I continue.

“My parents knew something was wrong, and had tried talking to me numerous times, but I always pushed them away, insisting I was fine, just a little depressed. They didn’t know how bad it had gotten.”

“How in the fuck could they not know their teenage daughter was doing drugs?” he asks angrily.

“Because they were also dealing with their own grief over losing their son.”

Something hard flashes in Nathan’s eyes, and I flinch at the look. “That doesn’t mean they should neglect the kid they had left.”

I shake my head sadly. “It wasn’t their fault, Nathan. They did the best they could at the time. If they had any idea how bad it was, they would have done whatever they had to in order to help me. I made sure they didn’t know. I didn’t want their help. I just wanted the pain to stop. I was never high at home. I never brought the drugs home either. I just stayed away as much as I could. Although the drugs made me delirious, I knew what I was doing would destroy them.”

His mouth tightens as he contemplates my words. I understand his anger and reluctance to believe my parents didn’t just neglect me. I know deep in my heart they would have moved heaven and earth had they known how deep I had fallen in a hole. My parents’ love for me was every bit as strong as the love they had for Jason.

He gives me a stiff nod and his rigid body relaxes fractionally. I can still see the resentment in his expression, but it’s not as pronounced.

I drag in another ragged breath and continue, knowing the worst is yet to come.

“Along with the need to make the pain go away, also came the need to feel something else, anything else besides that pain. Ricky was eighteen and one of the guys I hung out with. He was also the guy I gave my virginity to.”

Nathan stiffens, but I push on, needing to get this over with.

“One night, I was at Ricky’s house with him and a bunch of his friends. My parents thought I was at a girlfriend’s house for the weekend, but I was staying with him. We were all high.” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the fuzzy memories. When I open them again, I point them at Nathan’s chin. “I don’t remember much because I kept blacking out, but I remember waking up several times with Ricky or one of his friends on top of me.” My stomach turns at the memories. “I was so out of it that my attempts to push them off were too weak. Apparently, this went on all weekend.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Nathan snarls. My eyes lift to his and see barely contained rage in their depths. The vein in his temple throbs, and I’m surprised his teeth haven’t chipped from the way he’s clenching his jaw. “Tell me those motherfuckers are rotting in prison,” he growls. “Tell me right fucking now, or I swear to God I’ll kill them.”

I nod, thankful I can give not only myself, but also Nathan that answer. “They are. When I woke on Sunday, Ricky and his crew were gone. I didn’t know what happened at first, but bits and pieces came back to me, along with the soreness of my body. It scared me. Like really scared me, Nathan. I called my dad and he came and got me. One look at me and he knew what happened and took me straight to the hospital, then called the cops and a report was made. They found semen from five different guys. During the investigation, they found a video one of the guys made of them… taking me.” My voice breaks at the end, and I swallow hard. “With the video, it was easy to convict them. They each got twenty years.”

“Still not fucking enough,” he mutters darkly.

Before I can respond, Nathan sits up in bed and drags me over his lap so I’m straddling him. Pain and rage war in his eyes. I hate that he’s feeling those two emotions, but it warms my heart that he cares enough about me to feel them.

He places his palms on both my cheeks and pulls my head forward until his lips meet my forehead. I reach up and grip his wrists. He keeps his lips there for several seconds, and between the rapid breaths that meet my forehead and the hard thumps of his heartbeat against my pointer and middle fingers on his wrists, I know he’s trying to gain control of his emotions.

When he pulls back, I see some of the darkness has faded from his eyes, and I continue what I started.

“Five weeks after it happened, I found out I was pregnant.”

I close my eyes. I’ve been strong up until this point, but no matter how hard I try to push the tears away, they manage to slip free. Nathan wipes them away with his thumbs, but more just fall in their place.

I slide my eyes away from Nathan, afraid of what I’ll see in his eyes when I reveal my most shameful secret.

“I didn’t want the baby and told my parents that I wanted an abortion,” I whisper hoarsely. “I begged and pleaded, but no matter what I did or said, they wouldn’t agree, insisting that I would regret it later in life. I just….” I pause and clear my throat, forcing the words past my dry lips. “I didn’t even know which one was the father, and I couldn’t stand the thought of having a piece of one of them inside me. I wouldn’t let myself think

of the baby as a person, but a repercussion of what I allowed to happen. My parents had to approve and sign off on the abortion. They wouldn’t, so I looked at other ways to get it done. After a few months, I found a place that would do it illegally without parental consent. I didn’t want to go alone, so I called my best friend and told her what I planned to do and asked her to go with me. Jessika tried talking me out of it, but I was adamant. On the morning I was to go in, Jessika called my mom and told her. It wasn’t Jessika who met me at the clinic, but my mom. She broke down, right there in that clinic. She cried when we lost Jason, but she was completely devastated when she thought of me giving up the baby. She made me realize that the baby was not only a part of one of the monsters who raped me, but was also a part of me, and even more, there was a small part of Jason as well.”

I grip the sheet that’s at my sides with white knuckles, anxious in light of revealing that side of myself.

“That night, I felt her move for the first time. It wasn’t until then that I was truly grateful that my parents stopped me. It was like the baby, or God, or somebody knew I needed those tiny flutters. She became real to me, a blessing and a miracle behind all the ugliness.”

That’s it. That’s the part of me I hate the most. I take a deep breath and wait. I finally bring my eyes back to Nathan. Understanding reflects in his gaze, but I have no idea what to do with it.

His hands, which are still on my cheeks, slide back until his fingers tangle with my hair.