Watching Mine

“Is it weird of me to love you already?”

Her words and the slight tremble in her tone have my heart pounding double time in my chest. I put a hand on the back of her neck and pull her down to me.

When her lips are an inch away from mine, I ask, “Is it weird of me to love you already?”

The smile is back on her face, and it brings one to my own.

“No,” she answers softly.

I lean up and press a gentle kiss against her lips, then murmur, “Then there’s your answer.”

Epilogue

Emberleigh

Six months later…

NATHAN AND I SIT ON THE SOFA in my living room. My hand is in his, and I know my grip on his fingers must be crushing them. My heart pounds in my chest so hard I hear it in my ears. I swallow hard to keep away the tears that are threatening to spring free. Nathan’s thumb strokes the top of my hand, and it calms me slightly.

Sitting next to me is Avery. She’s worriedly biting her lip and her eyes glisten with tears, but she’s not allowing them to fall. She turned nine a month ago. Still so young, but always so strong. I want to pull her into my arms, but I refrain, not wanting to push something on her she might not be willing to accept at the moment. I just landed a huge blow to her, and she needs time to process it.

“So, you’re not my sister and Mom and Dad aren’t my mom and dad?” she asks, her voice wobbling.

God! It takes everything in me not to grab her hand and offer at least that comfort. I know this has to be tearing her up inside and confusing the hell out of her. She’s too young and shouldn’t have to go through something like this.

I clear my throat and try my best to keep my voice even. “Technically, no. But Avery, we can be whatever you want us to be. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

“You’re my mom and they’re my grandparents.” It’s more of a statement than a question, but I still nod. I know this is just her way of trying to understand.

“And what about my real dad?”

Icy shards of glass pierce my chest. There is no way in hell I’m ready to tell her about her dad, and I don’t think she could handle it either. I’ll tell her when she’s older, more mature, more world wise. But I still need to tell her something. I flick my eyes to Nathan for a moment. I see the angry tic in his jaw at the reminder of what happened to me, but he gives me a nod of encouragement. When I told him and my parents a week ago that I felt it was time to talk to Avery, I also told them I was keeping that part to myself for now. They all agreed, knowing it would be too traumatic for her young ears.

I look back to Avery and pull in a deep breath.

“Your dad…” I pause and try to find the right words. “…wasn’t a good person.”

Her hands twist together in her lap, and the urge to take one in mine is too overpowering to resist any longer. I tentatively reach out and grab one, hoping she doesn’t try to pull it away. A breath of relief rushes from my lungs when she looks down at them, but doesn’t attempt to free her hand.

“What do you mean he wasn’t a good man? Did he do bad stuff?”

She lifts her head and the confusion on her face has me silently cursing Ricky and his friends to the lowest bowels of hell.

I keep my voice gentle. “I know this is all confusing and painful for you, but that’s something I can’t tell you yet. One day when you’re older I will.”

That’s a day I dread with all my heart. How do you tell your daughter her mom was raped by multiple men and she doesn’t know which is her father?

“I’m so sorry, Avery,” I whisper. A tear slips down my cheek. My hands are in Nathan’s and Avery’s, so I can’t wipe it away. It would be futile anyway, because I know there will be more.

“Why didn’t you keep me? Did you… not love me?”

A sob escapes my throat. I release Nathan’s hand and do what I’ve been dying to do since we first sat down to talk. I pull her small body to my chest and hug her tight to me. More tears fall when her arms go around my waist and her head buries in my neck.

“No, Avery,” I say into the top of her head, soaking the strands with my salty tears. “I loved you so very much. I was just scared. I was young and had no idea what I was doing. There are things you don’t know about, but I felt like I didn’t deserve you, like I couldn’t give you everything you needed. Mom and Dad were able to do that when I wasn’t.”

She pulls back and looks up at me. Nathan must have gotten up at one point because he hands Avery and me tissues.

“I remember you always being there though. You were my sister and my best friend.”