Unexpected

“Isn’t it?” Liam crosses his arms. He’s not being facetious. In his mind, I honestly believe he thinks everything between us is kosher. That this conversation would have been as easy as breathing if I wasn’t fighting for us the way I am.

Unlike him, my every breath is strained as I wrestle with the onslaught of emotions at war within myself. For the first time in my life, I’m seeing a side of Liam I don’t like. I think I put him on a pedestal, dismissing the stories about him and the flavor of the week. I knew he was playing the bases with these girls, but I assumed the only person he was sleeping with was me. I should have listened to the rumors, heeded the bright red flags that told me I was being used.

Oh god.

We never used a condom. I’m on the pill, but that doesn’t stop diseases. How many girls has he been with? How much has he exposed me to? My stomach twists and this time I think I might actually puke. “Get out.”

“Lane.” Liam’s arms fall to his sides. He steps forward and reaches for me.

The thought of his hands on my body sends a bubble of bile into my throat but I swallow it down. I lean back and out of his reach. “Don’t touch me, Gilliam.”

Liam’s jaw squares. He hates his full name almost as much as I hate mine. “Don’t be such a bitch, Elaine. We were having fun. That’s it.”

My fists ball at my sides. I'm trying hard to keep myself together because if I yell, I’ll wake my parents, and then we’ll both be in trouble. My dad likes Liam, but I doubt that affection would last if he caught him in my room in the middle of the night.

If I cry, Liam will know how much he’s hurt me and I don’t want that, either. I force a smile and stand from my place on my bed. With a restrained touch, I take Liam by the arm and lead him to my window, resisting the urge to shove him out of it. “Liam, I’m tired. Go home.”

He shakes his head but begrudgingly climbs out of my window. The pressure in my chest decreases with every inch that increases between us. Like this, I don’t have to look up to meet his gaze. We’re eye to eye. Equal, but apparently worlds apart.

“Want a ride to school in the morning?”

I nod, not trusting my words. I fear my voice will squeak and expose me for the mess that I am. I’m hanging onto my composure by a tattered thread. I need Liam to leave so I can hide under my blanket and cry.

Cry for all the years I’ve wasted and the lies I told myself.

I opt for a seat in the back of Ms. Honey’s homeroom class instead of my usual middle row table. The chances of anyone knowing about my conversation with Liam last night are slim, but this is high school. All it would take is for him to tell Co

rah we had the talk and rumors would spread like wildfire. People are pathetic, finding joy in other’s suffering, and I can’t stand the thought of anyone looking at me today, laughing at me.

I hug myself, pulling the oversized 5 Seconds of Summer hoodie I found in the back of my closet around me. It’s Liam’s, which both infuriates and depresses me at the same time. I’m pissed at him for how things ended. How he so carelessly threw us away. But the reality of it is, I’m more hurt than mad.

I thought what we had was unbreakable. I assumed the years we’d spent together, both as friends and more, were as important to Liam as they are to me. I guess it’s true what they say about assuming, because I was nothing to him. Just a warm body to hold when someone better wasn’t available.

Maggie strides into the room a few minutes before the bell rings. Her gaze skirts over the tables when she realizes I’m not at our usual spot. She finds me in the furthest corner of the room a half-second later and frowns.

“So, it’s true. Liam asked Corah to prom and dropped the L-bomb,” she says.

The realization of how serious Liam is about Corah knocks the wind from my lungs. I didn’t think he’d said those three words yet. Although, if he was willing to throw us away, it makes sense. I guess I just hoped he’d take some time to wallow at the end of our chapter. Maybe even think about everything he’s given up before jumping feet-first into a serious relationship. What he ended between us deserves at least a day of mourning.

I need to stop thinking this way. Clearly, there was no us. No secret romance. And certainly, no midnight serenades. It was all in my head. “Yup. I’m sooo happy for them.”

“Sweetie.” Maggie sits in the open chair beside me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

I fight back a horde of tears and force a smile.

I.

Am.

Fine.

I’m fine. Me, yeah, this girl here, she’s fine. Completely unfazed that the guy I’ve been in love with since middle school doesn’t feel the same way.

I.

Am.

Great.