I Love You, I Hate You: Part 1

She drops her head back against the passenger window and looks up to the night sky again. “Neither. I have a better idea.”

19

Danika

The asphalt is rough under my bare feet, but I don’t complain. It was my idea to leave our shoes in Logan’s car and go for a walk on the beach. Yes. I’m making this gorgeous, stubborn man go for a long walk under a full moon.

I’m a glutton for punishment.

We cross back through the hotel lobby doors, earning a curious glance from the concierge lady. Logan winks and flashes his signature crooked smile. The woman behind the counter can’t be older than twenty-something and turns redder than a fire engine. She looks down at her computer, sneaking obvious glances as Logan holds the door to the pool deck for me. I shake my head, grinning from ear to ear. “Please tell me I don’t look like the lady from the lobby.”

“Nah.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “You’re way prettier.”

“Way to lay it on thick.”

He smirks and lights the cigarette that's been hanging from his lips. He takes a drag, looking up at the sky on the exhale. The night is beautiful. Clear. Warm but with a comfortable breeze. One for the storybooks.

“I hate that you smoke.”

“Really?” he asks, his dark hair reflecting in the moonlight.

I nod giving no further explanation. I know lung cancer and lymphoma are two completely different things, but cancer is cancer. My mom lived a healthy life. Exercised regularly. Ate all of her fruits and vegetables. Avoided meat products. Only had one glass of wine a night, if that. She had a perfect bill of health when it took over. Logan’s purposefully putting a carcinogen in his body. He’s asking for Death to come knocking. I can’t sit back and watch someone I care about die again.

“Okay.” Logan takes one last drag then snuffs out his cancer stick in a nearby ashtray. He exhales a cloud of smoke through his full lips and says, “I’m done.”

I look at him skeptically. “What do you mean you’re done?”

He leans his elbows against the rail that separates the beach from the hotel. The same rail I found him sitting on a half an hour ago. “I quit.”

“No one just up and quits smoking.” I lean against it too, looking at the rolling quilt of black that kisses an equally dark horizon. “They use patches, and gum, and wean themselves.”

“I only smoke to silence my thoughts.” Logan shifts. I feel his gaze on my body, making my skin heat. He watches me, quiet as the night sky, while I take in the view. “Everything’s not so loud when you’re around.”

I bite my lip, my gaze trailing the rolling tide. A picture perfect moment for a picture perfect ending. I have to be dreaming. Real life doesn’t have moments like this, they’re saved for movies and romance novels.

Logan grabs my elbow and takes a step closer. His hand, fire against my skin, sends a shiver rippling through me. We both know I’m not cold. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Oh, yeah? And what might that be?”

He tucks the hair dancing across my face behind my ear, leaving a trail of electric tingles in his wake. “Promise me we’ll go to prom together.”

“Logan.” I sigh, looking back out at the water. I can’t get my hopes up that someone like him will still be interested in someone like me then. The way I’m feeling, if I put all my eggs in that basket, I’ll be ruined. “How do you know you’ll even want to be my date? That’s like, five months from now.”

“I went to homecoming for you, Danika. I want to go to prom with you. Please.” Logan’s big brown eyes twist my insides in the best of ways. I nod, not trusting my words and he smiles. A true, genuine smile. “Good. Now how’s about that walk.”

The sand is cold under my toes. I didn’t expect it to make me shiver. Logan, of course, notices and unbuttons his long sleeve shirt, draping it over me. I slip my arms through and am blanketed with his scent. It’s heavenly, sending me sky high into euphoria.

Feeling the weight of his stare, I bite my lip and look down at the shells reflecting under the stars. “I didn't picture you for an undershirt kind of guy.”

Logan shrugs staring out into the darkness. A comfortable silence falls between us as the roar of the waves meet the sand. For the first time, my thoughts are hushed and I’m able to enjoy our time together. I don’t know how long we’ve been walking when he says, “Tell me about California.”

I pull the sleeves of his shirt tight against me and hug myself. “There’s not much to tell. We went there. Mom died. We came back.”

I don’t like to think about California, let alone talk about it. With the exception of a few beautiful memories, I try to block that time out of my mind completely.

Logan stops walking and grasps my arm. He pulls me into him, enveloping me in a hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my nose in his chest. His heart’s racing, almost as fast as mine. “Was it that bad?”

I nod, fighting tears. It’s hard not to cry when I think about mom. She suffered so much. Especially at the end and there was nothing I could do to help. Logan kisses the crown of my head. “Can’t start with the easy questions, can you?” I ask, my voice cracking.