I Love You, I Hate You: Part 1

Indistinct voices blur into the teacher from Charlie Brown. “Wah-wah-Wah.” Someone pulls Gunner off of me.

Someone else, a parent maybe, lifts me to my feet. A light shines in my eyes, blinding me, moving it from left to right. Left to right. The light clicks off as a hand taps my check. The spots in my vision clear and I grimace.

“You’re good.”

“Thanks, Dr. Winters.”

23

Danika

I place my hands on my hips and glare up at a freshly showered Gunner as he emerges from the locker room. I’ve replayed the fight on the field in my head a thousand times. It looked like Logan snapped, but I know him. At least, I think I still do. Logan’s thrown me a few curveballs these past few weeks, but every now and then I catch a glimmer of the boy he used to be and that boy wouldn’t attack someone unless provoked.

“What did you do?”

Gunner drops his arms, giving up on the notion that I’ll run into them. Why he ever thought that in the first place is beyond me. That blow to the head must have messed with his memory because we aren’t a thing anymore. “What makes you think I did anything? Logan’s the one who started it.”

I follow as he walks past me to the school parking lot. The only cars left are that of the players and possibly the coaches. Everyone else has already left for the night either to go home or to Jake’s house for his weekly after party. One I have no desire to attend.

“Bullshit. What did you say to him?”

Gunner throws his hands in the air and spins on his heels to face me. “Jesus, Danika. I didn’t do anything. Why can’t you get it through your thick skull, Logan’s fucking nuts, just like Piper.”

I smack Gunner so hard my hand stings. Why do that? Why bring Piper into this? No one knows the hell she’s gone through this year, and the rumors people have spread are nasty. Arrested for prostitution. Drug binge. Whoring around for her mama’s rent. Someone even said she was probably dead, and then laughed. Laughed! I don’t understand how my classmates can be so cruel.

“If you ever do that again,” Gunner growls, stepping into my personal space. “You’ll regret it.”

Dad always warned me: if you fight like a man, be prepared to be hit like a man. From the look in Gunner’s eyes, I have the sneaking suspicion he’s resisting the urge to retaliate. I cross my arms and glare, unfazed by his warning. I can take a punch just as good as I throw one. “Don’t threaten me, Gunner.”

We stare at each other, neither one of us wanting to back down. For him, it’s pride; but for me, it’s principal. I won’t be bullied into submission, and I damn sure won’t stand for him badmouthing anyone in front of me. Logan was right all along. Gunner is a snake in the grass.

Gunner grabs my wrist, breaking our standoff. His hands are ice against my skin. I dig my heels into the ground and jerk my hand. “What the hell, Gunner? Let me go.”

Gunner’s grip is firm, never breaking no matter how many times I try to shake free. He pulls me towards his car. A tickle of panic climbs my spine. I’ve never seen this side of him before. He pops his trunk with his key fob and drops his duffle bag inside, then closes it—all with one hand. Letting go of my wrist, he shoves me in the back. “Get in.”

I touch the tender skin of my wrist, becoming even more heated as I realize it’s going to bruise. “No.”

“Hey!” Logan yells, dropping his duffle bag and sprinting across the black top. “What the hell is going on here?”

“None of your business, Harris.” Gunner flicks his hand at Logan, shooing him away. “Go home to that whore of yours. Danika and I have business to attend to.”

Logan ignores the dig at Piper and looks at me, eyes locked on mine. His gaze trails down to my wrist, watching me attempt to soothe the dull ache. “Dani, are you okay?”

I nod, butterflies swarming at the use of my middle school nickname. I love hearing it leave his lips. Maybe it’s the adrenaline of the situation messing with my emotions. Or maybe I’ve finally given up fighting myself, but every feeling I’d forgotten comes flooding back faster than I can process. The pain of telling Logan about my mom’s cancer. The tears I thought would swallow me whole when I said goodbye before our move. The excitement I’d feel watching him play football. The twists in my stomach when he’d touch me, even accidentally.

I’ve had a crush on Logan all along and didn’t realize it.

That’s why the pull to be near him has always been so strong.

Why no matter how rude Logan has been to me, I’ve forgiven him.

It was always him.

‘Danika,” Gunner says, emphasizing the ka in my name, “and I were just leaving.”

“No, we weren’t” I snap, taking a step to my left. I don’t know what it is that makes Gunner feel he has the right to control me, but I’m over it. We aren’t together but even if we were, I wouldn’t allow him to treat me like this.

Logan holds out his hand to me, “Come on Dani.”