I Love You, I Hate You: Part 1

She turns to me. Her green eyes shining in the passing lights. “Those are some big words, Logan. You can’t possibly know what the future brings.”

I pull into my driveway and hold her hand a little tighter. Shifting the car into park, I turn in my seat and look her dead in the eye. “There is no life without you, only a veil of darkness. My world revolves around you, craving your light. My words aren’t thoughtless sentences, they are promises, Danika. A promise to always be yours even if you don’t want to be mine.”

Danika shakes her head and looks up at the ceiling. Despite her efforts, a single tear breaks free, running down her cheek. “Don’t do this Logan. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I never do.” I reach up and brush her tear away with my knuckle. She leans into my hand and for the first time since getting in the car I feel her warmth penetrate my skin. We’re going to be alright. “What’s wrong, baby? Talk to me.”

She looks down at her lap, tears spilling over her cheeks. “I’m pregnant.”

53

Logan

I didn’t hear her right. I couldn’t have. That shot of whiskey must have been stronger than I realized, or maybe my tolerance is getting lower because that can’t be what she said. “What do you mean you're pregnant?”

“It’s not a hard concept, Logan,” Danika huffs. She reaches for the handle and gets out of the car. She’s pissed which I don't understand because she can’t be pregnant. We were always safe. Careful.

I take a breath and exhale loudly. There has to be some mistake. Danika leans against my trunk, arms crossed, looking up at the sky. She’s absolutely stunning, glowing under the moonlight. “How far along are you?”

She shrugs, refusing to look at me. “I don’t know. Six, maybe seven weeks.”

I bite my lip, trying to figure out when it would have happened. End of November. She’s known about the baby since November and didn’t tell me? Fire bubbles in my veins. This is a huge secret. One she never should have kept because now we don’t have as many options. “What the hell, Danika! How long have you been keeping this from me?”

She shrugs and wipes her cheek. I get it, this is hard for her. But what about me? I can cope with the fact that she’s pregnant. Fine. We’ll deal with it however she wants. What I don’t understand is how she could keep such a big secret from me. Any secret for that matter. “Were you even visiting your grandmother this past week?”

Danika shakes her head.

I run my hands through my hair and pull at the roots. She’s lied. I’m struggling to wrap my brain around everything but with the court case already messing with head I’m struggling. “What the fuck Danika? What else are you hiding?”

“Nothing I swear.” She reaches for my arm but I pull away and take a step back. Tears stream down her cheeks, but they disgust me. How can she cry on cue? Use them to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her. I bet if I wasn’t so pissed off right now, she wouldn’t shed a tear.

I turn and walk up the drive to the porch. The baby is whatever. Not ideal, but these things happen. The lying and the secrets are something else altogether. How do I know this wasn’t planned? She provided the condom that broke. She insisted on taking the morning after pill at her house. Alone. For all I know, she chucked it in the trash and has been counting down the days to tell me about the baby.

“Logan! Please talk to me,” Danika cries.

I slam the door shut, ignoring her and the curious expression on Piper’s face. I feel Piper’s eyes follow me down the hallway, but I could care less. My girlfriend has been lying to me for weeks. Keeping the biggest secret she could possibly hold. I bury my face in my pillow, fighting my own tears because I’ve never felt more betrayed in my life.

I lie in bed the next morning, the dinging of my phone sounding before my alarms. I glance at the screen and chuck it across the room. Eight missed calls. Thirty-two text messages. Funny how when Danika supposedly was with her Nona, she could only text me twice a day and now she won’t stop. My mind has been running rampant with questions and finding its own torturous ways to answer them. What was she really doing last week? Going to baby appointments without you.

I grab the pillow beside me and cover my face, exhaling a silent scream into it. I don’t feel any better. If anything, I feel worse. I stay like that, hiding in my self-created darkness until there’s a rapping at my door.

“Go away,” I yell to whoever is knocking.

It opens, meaning it’s one of two women in my life. I cringe, peeking under the edge of the pillowcase then exhale a small breath of relief as I toss the pillow to my side. It’s not my lying and possibly cheating girlfriend.

“Danika has been texting me all night,” Piper says, sitting on the edge of my bed. She’s wearing a pair of Cooper’s basketball shorts and an old concert T-shirt without a stitch of makeup on her face. It’s the best I’ve seen Piper look in months.

“I didn’t know she had your number.”

Piper shrugs. “Not like a bunch of people want it. Danika asked for it a while back and I gave it to her.”

I roll onto my side, pulling my blanket over my body like a cocoon. I don’t want to talk about Danika. She was the one person I thought I could trust. And now…I don’t know what to think. Figures. “Go away, Piper.”

The end of my bed lifts. I half expect Piper to say something about what’s going on. Instead she closes the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Too. Many. Thoughts.

My phone dings again a few hours later. I pry myself out of bed, knowing I should reply but unsure of what to say. All of Danika’s messages are basically the same, including the newest.

Danika: Logan we have to talk.