“I don’t know.” I drop my face into my hands because that’s the million dollar question. How can anyone help? Amanda’s sister has met me at the NICU, told me time and time again how grateful she is that I stepped up. That she wasn’t ready to be a mother. Told me to say the word and she’d help me however she can.
But what can you do for a baby stuck in a plastic box with wires sticking out of him?
How can you teach him how to eat so he doesn’t need a feeding tube anymore?
You can’t. I can’t do anything but sit back and watch. Waiting for either good news or bad. Every day I drive to the hospital and prepare myself for the worst. I’ve seen babies who seemed fine take a turn for the worst in a split second.
Families are crushed and sometimes ripped apart. Nurses yelled at for not doing enough when in reality they live and breathe these babies.
“Tell you what.” Landon slaps his hands on his thighs then stands. “ Hattie’s birthday is in a few weeks. Let’s turn it into a Chuggies for Huggies.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Landon grabs the empty whiskey bottle from my h
and and another from the end table. He walks to the kitchen, tosses them in the trash, then looks around. “It’s no biggie, man. People come and drink on my dime half the time anyway. At least they’ll be doing something good for a change.”
He smirks and starts grabbing Chinese take out boxes I should have tossed last week. “As for Layla, I’ve got a plan.”
Present Day
I don’t know why I’m coming back. I mean, I miss Josh. I miss him more than I can even begin to explain, but I don’t want to see him.
Not for one minute.
I put myself out there back in December. I was willing to risk losing my family to be with him because I believed in us. And what did Josh do?
He shut me out.
Pushed me away.
Did he try to call and take back what he said? Of course. But he didn’t just break my heart, he broke my trust. I can’t believe him anymore when he says he’s going to do something. And what’s a relationship without trust?
So, even though it kills me, I don’t listen to the voicemails. I don’t return the text messages. I stopped looking at pictures. I locked everything that has to do with us in a box and threw away the key.
The only reason I’ve agreed to come back to this godforsaken town is because Hattie insisted that Josh hasn’t been coming around. Every day gets easier, but I don’t know if I can keep my resolve if I see his face again.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. Two months is just too long.” Hattie squeezes me tight when I finally arrive. It feels so good to be back. Like a piece of me that was missing has finally been found.
Landon comes up and joins in the hug too. It’s a little strange because we aren’t affectionate, but it makes me feel missed. I like it. “Hey, pretty girl, long time no see.”
I smile, more nervous than excited, but try to focus on the moment. I’m here with my friends. Celebrating Hattie's birthday.
Tonight is going to be just what I need. A good time with good people, enough alcohol to push my feelings away, and… diapers?
I point to the mini mountain of diapers stacked on the kitchen table and frown. “Um… is there something you haven’t told me?”
Hattie laughs and throws her arm over my shoulder. “Yes, but now isn’t the time.”
Two months.
Two months have passed since I last saw Layla, and my life has spiraled into one big clusterfuck. I had six cows die this week. They found some lantana and by the time I realized what had happened it was too late. That’s roughly thirty-thousand dollars, gone.
And then, there’s Bryson. He is officially a Thomas, with official insurance, that officially requires a minimum of a five thousand dollar co-pay for everything that’s been done so far. The hospital offered a payment plan, but that’s still a shit ton of money I don’t have and medical bankruptcy isn’t an option.
On the bright side, if everything goes well this weekend, Bryson will be discharged on Monday.
I’m fucking terrified.