“Maybe.” Even if I don’t want to seem too eager, I hope he does. He’s a senior and the quarterback. And with me being a junior, my status in school would go way up. Things that I didn’t have to worry about before now seem so important.
“God,” Tori says with a sigh. “You’ll be so lucky. He’s so hot.”
I totally agree. He’s got this smile that makes my heart race. “Well, you’re lucky, too. Paul is gorgeous.”
Tori changes the channel on the radio, searching for a better song. “Paul is not Jimmy, but he’ll do.”
Her smile is sweet and I know she really likes him. Yes, he’s a bit nerdy with all his Star Wars talk, but he’s a good guy. And he’s practically perfect for Tori, because although she won’t admit it, she loves all that geeky stuff, too.
“And what about you?” I ask Vicky, glancing at her in the rearview mirror. “Did Craig finally ask?”
“Yeah.” Vicky smiles sweetly, her blue eyes sparkling. “He was totally awkward about it all and looked ready to puke on his shoes. It was kinda cute, actually.” She suddenly bounces on her seat. “Oh, oh, I love that song. Turn it up.”
With my mind on the upcoming summer dance, put on by one of the rich students who has a lake house, and the butterflies in my stomach, I look away to crank up the volume. And as Tori’s and Vicky’s singing voices fill the car, I glance back to the road, blinded for a moment by the sun.
Then, “Watch out!”
“I swear I can still hear the screaming and smell the burning metal,” I say, blinking out of the memory and finding Ryder’s gentle eyes watching me. “No matter that it’s been nearly eight years since the accident.”
“Is that all you remember?” he asks, and I realize now he’s moved closer to me.
I inhale the woodsy hints of his cologne and somehow him being close is beyond comforting. “I don’t remember what happened before. I don’t remember the crash. But I remember that I killed my two childhood friends. That, I can’t ever forget.”
“Jesus, Hadley,” he says softly.
I shut my eyes, pulling in all the emotion and storing it in the place in my soul where I can survive such pain. Only when I feel strong again do I reopen my eyes and add, “It took years of therapy to realize the car accident wasn’t my fault. That it was an accident,” I explain, feeling a little disconnected like I always did. Sometimes…most times…it felt like it was all a dream and I was talking about someone else’s life. “But I don’t think I’ll ever not remember that if I hadn’t looked away to turn up the stupid radio, I would’ve seen the truck that blew through the stop sign. If the music hadn’t been so loud I would’ve heard the truck’s horn blaring. That if the truck had hit my side of the car, I would’ve been the one to die, not my best friends.”
Ryder’s jaw muscles clench once and then again. “Why didn’t I know about the accident?”
There’s hurt there in his voice, and it goes beyond his duty to my father. “Well, I have my dad to thank for that. My name was never mentioned in the papers, and while I think my dad did tell your father about the accident, he likely asked him to keep it private.” I see the disappointment in Ryder’s face and quickly add, “He was just trying to keep me safe, Ryder.”
Ryder frowns. “I’m not sure silencing you was the best way to keep you safe.”
The weight in my chest lightens just that easily. I don’t know how he gets me the way he does sometimes. But I realize right now it doesn’t make me feel bare and exposed, it makes me feel connected to him in ways I’m not to anyone else. “I often wondered that, too, and so did my therapist.”
I’m not at all surprised that he doesn’t focus on what I’m saying but continues with his train of thought. “This is why you push yourself to do such reckless things sometimes?”
Part of the reason is what I want to say. It’s why I can wake up every day and survive. But Ryder doesn’t want to hear that I’m with these men because his rejection only deepens my pain. Instead I stick with the truth he knows. “Honestly, I’m beyond careful. I could have one-night stands but don’t because I can’t trust anyone because of my father’s fame. It’s why I go to the clubs. There’s a level of privacy I depend on…and, well, the men there…are experienced with these kinds of things.” Back in college, a date with a wannabe Dominant sparked my curiosity. That brought me to the real deal. Into the hands of trained Dominants at Afterglow. “I need the intensity, the thrill. The excitement, the roughness, an
d even the pain…it all wakes me up. I feel…”
“Alive?” he offers.
I nod. “It’s like everything inside of me builds and builds, and I fight to find a way to release that tension.”
“Being at the club gives you that release?” he asks.
“The intensity that happens during my time there brings higher emotions. It brings happiness, fear, even sadness, just to a stronger degree, and these are all things that I fight to feel on a daily basis.” The therapists call my missing emotions PTSD. A reaction caused by the accident. “When it all becomes too much, and I feel myself scrambling to stay afloat, I’ve learned that being with a Dominant allows that build-up to escape, if that makes any sense at all.”
“Actually, it all makes perfect sense to me” is all Ryder says, watching me closely. “Taking what you need to keep breathing every day makes you a fighter. Don’t ever forget that, Hadley.” My heart begins to race at the way he’s studying me whenever he’s thinking intensely; his expression completely unreadable. And when he raises his hand, sliding his warm fingers across my cheek, I can’t stop looking at him. He’s so damn real. There’s no bullshit here. “You dealt with your pain,” he adds in a gentle voice, “and survived, and that takes strength.”
My mind is spinning with unanswered questions about where this is going between us as he pulls me into his arms and hugs me so tightly.
It’s all I need. All I ever needed.
Chapter 7
Ryder