d do to her heart.
Peyton took a seat next to Remy. “So, if Asher agreed to the plan, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing should be wrong,” Remy said, giving the plant one last stroke. “I’ve got the money. I’ll pay back Joaquin later today. I should be happy.”
Kinsley reached for Remy’s hand. “But you’re not?”
She heaved a long sigh, glancing down at her mug between her legs. “But I’m not,” Remy agreed.
Silence spread out between them until Kinsley said softly, “Why would you not tell us about this? We’re your best friends. We could have been there for you today.”
“I didn’t want to talk about it,” Remy admitted. “Maybe because if I talked about it, then it made it all real.”
Peyton took Remy’s other hand. “It’s us, Remy. Talk to us.”
The breeze blew through the garden and Remy caught the scent of the slightly musky vanilla-smelling hibiscus. “I just don’t know how I got here. It’s like I keep thinking it can’t possibly get worse and then it does. Today, I thought I could totally marry Asher. I’m this new strong version of myself. This is my mess, and I’ll clean it up. I don’t need Asher. But…” Her voice hitched.
“But you do need him,” Kinsley said.
Remy gave a soft nod. “I dreamed of my wedding day with Asher. The dress. The ceremony. The way he would smile at me. The love we had for each other. I had that whole day planned out in my mind for so long.” Her throat constricted, and her eyes welled. “Today I was good, strong, and then when the judge declared us husband and wife, it was like the guards around my heart fell.” Kinsley squeezed her hand tight as a tear dripped from Remy’s eye and landed on her leg. She couldn’t look up, face anyone. All she wanted to do was move on, and it seemed impossible. “I’ve been lying to myself. Pretending that I’ve got control of everything. I love him. I only want him, and when I can’t have him, I look in terrible places trying to pretend I’m over him. I love him so much, and it makes me so sad that he doesn’t love me back. That today wasn’t real. That today will never be real.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
Remy’s gaze jerked up to Asher standing a few feet away, his intense gaze locked onto her. The air suddenly thickened, electricity pining in the space between them.
“And that’s our cue.” Kinsley whistled and then gave Remy a tight hug. “Call me when all is said and done so I know you’re okay.”
“Make it a three-way call,” Peyton said, kissing Remy’s cheek before following Kinsley to the ladder.
Asher nodded at them and then approached with his long strides until he dropped down in front of Remy, one arm resting on his knee. He arched an eyebrow. “I’m listening, Remy.”
She glanced down into her mug, butterflies filling her belly. “Well, I’m not exactly prepared for this conversation.”
He tucked his finger under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his intense stare. “You’re the strongest person I know. You’re prepared.”
She drew in a long, deep breath, staring into his eyes that looked so different from the boy she used to know. Darker. Jaded. And somehow that made this conversation suddenly easier because Asher didn’t deserve those ghosts as much as she didn’t deserve them in her soul either. “I’ve been sitting here by myself, and thinking about everything, and it’s all made me realize that ever since you left for Washington, I’ve been on autopilot. It’s like for a long time I was thinking you were going to come back for me and our lives would go back to normal.”
“I should have come back immediately.”
Her breath caught at the raw emotion in his eyes. “No, you shouldn’t have,” she told him softly, cupping his face. “You needed time to recover and to heal from your mother’s death, and that’s okay. It’s all right that our lives took us in two different directions. I was young—”
“I was a coward to leave you.”
She slowly pulled her hand away, surprised by his answer. “How were you a coward? Moving away couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t easy,” he said, glancing off into the distance with years of pain etched into his expression. Until he looked back at her, then he was only steady. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, but…I…” He drew in a long breath before blowing it out slowly and hanging his head. “When Mom killed herself, life stopped then. I could not trust that the dark shit I felt would not spill out and affect you. I thought leaving protected you from all that.”
She scooted closer until her legs pressed against his. “I know that.”
He took her hand in his, watching his fingers graze over hers. “Marriage terrifies me, Remy. Love is very hard for me. My parents were not good at it. And clearly I keep getting it fucking wrong.” His haunted gaze flicked to hers. “I’m scared of letting go and unknowingly becoming my father. I’m terrified of loving too much and losing myself like my mother did. I don’t know how to do any of this. I’m afraid if I let go of my control for a second, I’m going to destroy you, and that’s the very last fucking thing I want.”
Her Asher. His pain. God, her heart broke a thousand times for him. “Well, the good thing is, you’re not your parents, and I’m not mine. Let’s do the one thing that they never got right.” She pulled her hands away to cup his face again, feeling the rough scruffiness of his five-o’clock shadow. “I know you’re scared. But let’s stay. Let’s fight for this. Let’s stop running.”
He held her gaze for a beat, then placed his hands over hers. “I can’t say I’ll be perfect at this and not fuck up, but damn, I really want to try.”
“I don’t need perfect. I just need you. I love you, Asher. I’ve always loved you,” she said softly, melting in the way his touch brushed across her skin.
“Remy, I love you too,” Asher said when her eyes grew teary. “I’m going to make mistakes, but I want to build a life with you. You’re all that I have. All that I need. The only woman I have ever loved.” He went quiet, his eyes searching hers. “Today was real for me. But I absolutely want the real deal. To see you in the dress. To make you happy.” He got up and went on one knee. “Remy Brennan, will you marry me…again?”