Nothing Ventured

‘It’s no laughing matter, Father, and I predict that you’ll see the law changed in your lifetime.’

‘I can’t imagine their lordships will readily fall in with your proposal.’

‘And that’s why they’ll be next in line, because once the Commons realizes there are votes in it, another sacred citadel will collapse under the weight of its own absurdity.’

‘How will you go about it?’ asked Marjorie.

‘We’ll start at the top, with the Royal Family. We already have a life peer willing to present a primogeniture bill to the House, which would allow a woman to succeed as monarch if she was the first born, and not be pushed aside by a younger brother. No one has ever suggested that Princess Anne wouldn’t do as good a job as Prince Charles. And we’ll cite Queen Elizabeth I, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth II to prove our case.’

‘It will never happen.’

‘In your lifetime, Dad,’ Grace repeated.

‘But I thought you disapproved of titles, Grace,’ said William.

‘I do. But in this case it’s a matter of principle.’

‘Well, I’ll support you. I’ve never wanted to be Sir William.’

‘What if you became commissioner, and earned it in your own right?’ said his father. William hesitated for long enough for his father to shrug his shoulders.

‘Did that poor young woman you were defending last week manage to get off?’ Marjorie asked Grace, hoping for a break in hostilities.

‘No, she got six months.’

‘And will be out in three,’ said her father, ‘when she will no doubt go straight back on the street.’

‘Don’t get me onto that subject, Dad.’

‘What about her pimp?’ asked William. ‘He’s the one who should be locked up.’

‘I’d happily boil him in oil,’ said Grace, ‘but he wasn’t even charged.’

‘In oil?’ said her father. ‘We’ll have you voting Conservative yet.’

‘Never,’ Grace responded.

Sir Julian picked up the carving knife. ‘Anyone for seconds?’

‘Dare I ask if you’ve met anyone recently?’ asked Marjorie, turning to her son.

‘Several people, Mama,’ said William, amused by his mother’s euphemism.

‘You know exactly what I meant,’ she chided.

‘Fat chance. I’ve been working on the roster for the past month, seven nights in a row, finishing up at six in the morning, by which time all you want to do is sleep. Then you’re expected to report back for duty two days later to start an early shift. So let’s face it, Mum, PC Warwick isn’t much of a catch.’

‘Whereas if you’d taken my advice,’ said his father, ‘by now you’d be an eligible barrister, and I can assure you there are several attractive young women in chambers.’

‘I’ve met someone,’ said Grace, which silenced her father for the first time. He put down his knife and fork and listened intently. ‘She’s a solicitor in the City, but I’m afraid Dad wouldn’t approve of her as she specializes in divorce.’

‘I can’t wait to meet her,’ said Marjorie.

‘Whenever you like, Mama, but be warned, I haven’t told her who my father is.’

‘Am I a cross between Rasputin and Judge Jeffreys?’ asked Sir Julian, placing the tip of the carving knife next to his heart.

‘You’re not that nice,’ said his wife, ‘but you do have your uses.’