And Thereby Hangs a Tale

“So you’d cough up a couple of mil, if I deliver?”

“If they’re worth ten million, yes, but I’d need to see them first.”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” asked Bryant, looking Benny straight in the eye.

“Because figures reported in the press aren’t always reliable. Crime reporters like numbers with lots of noughts, and they only ever round them up.”

“But they were insured for ten million,” said Bryant, “and don’t forget the insurance company paid up in full.”

“I won’t make an offer until I’ve seen the goods,” said Benny.

Bryant fell silent again.

“So where are they?” asked Benny, trying to make the words sound unrehearsed.

“It doesn’t matter where they are,” said Bryant.

“It matters if you expect me to give you a valuation,” snapped Benny.

“What if I could show you half a dozen of them right now?”

“Stop pissing me about, Kev. If you’re serious about doin’ a deal, tell me where they are. If not, fuck off.” Not tactics Inspector Matthews would have approved of, but with his appeal coming up in a few days’ time, Benny couldn’t afford to wait another six weeks before Bryant spoke again.

“I’m serious,” said Bryant quietly. “So shut up and listen for a minute, unless you’re doing a bigger deal this week?” Benny thought about another year being knocked off his sentence and remained silent. “While I was banged up on remand, one of the cons was arrested for possession. Heroin, class A.”

“So what?” said Benny. “People get arrested for possession every day.”

“Not while they’re in prison, they don’t.”

“But how did he get the gear in?” asked Benny, suddenly taking an interest.

“This con picks up the stuff from a mate while he’s on trial at the Old Bailey. Durin’ one of the breaks he asks to go to the toilet, knowing that the guard has to stay outside while he’s in the cubicle. While he’s on the john, he stuffs the gear into a condom, ties a knot in it, and swallows it.”

“But if the condom split open in his stomach,” said Benny, “he’d be history.”

“Yeah, but if he gets it into prison, he can make a grand. Five times what he’d pick up on the out.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” said Benny.

“Once he’s banged up in here, he waits till the middle of the night, sits on the toilet, where the screws can’t see him through the spy hole, and—”

“Spare me the details.”

After another long pause, Bryant said, “On the day I was sentenced I did the same thing.”

“You swallowed two ounces of heroin?” asked Benny in disbelief.

“No, you stupid bugger, you’ve not been payin’ attention.” Benny remained silent while Bryant rolled a cigarette then kept him waiting until he’d lit it and inhaled several times. “I swallowed six of the diamonds, didn’t I?”

“Why in Gawd’s name would you do that?”

“Prison currency, in case I ever found myself dealin’ with a bent screw, or in need of a favor from an old lag.”

“So where are they now?” asked Benny, pushing his luck.

“They’ve been in this cell for the past three months, and you haven’t even set eyes on them.”

Benny said nothing as Bryant climbed down from the top bunk and took a plastic fork from the table. He slowly began to unstitch the center strip that ran down the side of his Adidas tracksuit bottoms. It was some time before he was able to extract one small diamond. Benny’s eyes lit up when he saw it sparkle under the naked light bulb.