To Cut a Long Story Short

‘That’s bollocks, Billy Gibson, and you know it,’ said Eamonn. ‘I’m ordering you off my land before I instruct my men to forcibly remove you.’

‘Well, it’s not quite as easy as that,’ said the Chief. ‘You see, I’ve just had a message from the bomb squad that they’ve already broken into your house. You’ll be relieved to know they found no one on the premises, but they were most concerned to come across an unidentifiable package in the conservatory, and a similar one in the garage.’

‘But they’re nothing more than …’

‘Nothing more than what?’ asked the Chief innocently.

‘How did your people manage to get past my guards?’ demanded Eamonn. ‘They had orders to throw you off if you put so much as a toe on my land.’

‘Now there’s the thing, Eamonn. They must have wandered off your property for a moment without realising it, and because of the imminent danger to their lives I felt it necessary to take them all into custody. For their own protection, you understand.’

‘I’ll bet you don’t even have a search warrant to enter my property.’

‘I don’t need one,’ said the Chief, ‘if I’m of the opinion that someone’s life is in danger.’

‘Well, now you know that no one’s life is in danger, and never was in the first place, you can get off my property and back to your party.’

‘There’s my next problem, Eamonn. You see, we’ve just had another call, this time from an anonymous informant, to warn us that he has placed a bomb in the garage and another in the conservatory, and that they’ll be detonated just before midnight. The mome

nt I was informed of this threat, I realised that it was my duty to check the safety manual to find out what the correct procedure is in circumstances such as these.’ The Chief removed a thick green booklet from an inside pocket, as if it were always with him.

‘You’re bluffing,’ said O’Flynn. ‘You don’t have the authority to …’

‘Ah, here’s what I was after,’ said the Chief, after he had flicked over a few pages. Eamonn looked down to see a paragraph underlined in red ink.

‘Let me read you the exact words, Eamonn, so that you’ll fully comprehend the terrible dilemma I’m facing. “If an officer above the rank of Major or Chief Inspector believes that the lives of civilians may be at risk at the scene of a suspected terrorist attack, and he has a qualified member of the bomb squad present, he must first clear the area of all civilians and, having achieved this, if he deems it appropriate, carry out an isolated explosion.” Couldn’t be clearer,’ said the Chief. ‘Now, are you able to let me know what’s in those boxes, Eamonn? If not, I must assume the worst, and proceed according to the book.’

‘If you harm my property in any way, Billy Gibson, let me warn you that I’ll sue you for every penny you’re worth.’

‘You’re worrying unnecessarily, Eamonn. Let me reassure you that there’s page after page in the manual concerning compensation for innocent victims. We would naturally feel it our obligation to rebuild your lovely home, brick by brick, recreating a conservatory Maggie would be proud of and a garage large enough to house all your cars. However, if we were to spend that amount of taxpayers’ money, we would have to ensure that the house was built on one side of the border or the other, so that an unhappy incident such as this one could never happen again.’

‘You’ll never get away with it,’ said Eamonn, as a heavily-built man appeared by the Chief’s side, carrying a plunger.

‘You’ll remember Mr Hogan, of course. I introduced you at my farewell party.’

‘You put a finger on that plunger, Hogan, and I’ll have you facing inquiries for the rest of your working life. And you’ll be able to forget any ideas of becoming Chief Constable.’

‘Mr O’Flynn makes a fair point, Jim,’ said the Chief, checking his watch, ‘and I certainly wouldn’t want to be responsible for harming your career in any way. But I see that you don’t take over command for another seven minutes, so it will be my sad duty to carry out this onerous responsibility.’

As the Chief bent down to place his hand on the plunger, Eamonn leapt at his throat. It took three officers to restrain him, while he shouted obscenities at the top of his voice.

The Chief sighed, checked his watch, gripped the handle of the plunger and pressed down slowly.

The explosion could be heard for miles around as the roof of the garage - or was it the conservatory? - flew high into the air. Within moments the buildings were razed to the ground, leaving nothing in their place but smoke, dust and a pile of rubble.

When the noise had finally died away, the chimes of St Mary’s could be heard striking twelve in the distance. The former Chief of Police considered it the end of a perfect day.

‘You know, Eamonn,’ he said, ‘I do believe that was worth sacrificing my pension for.’

A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER*

I FIRST MET Susie six years ago, and when she called to ask if I would like to join her for a drink, she can’t have been surprised that my immediate response was a little frosty. After all, my memory of our last meeting wasn’t altogether a happy one.

I had been invited to the Keswicks for dinner, and like all good hostesses, Kathy Keswick considered it nothing less than her duty to pair off any surviving bachelor over the age of thirty with one of her more eligible girlfriends.

With this in mind, I was disappointed to find that she had placed me next to Mrs Ruby Collier, the wife of a Conservative Member of Parliament who was seated on the left of my hostess at the other end of the table. Only moments after I had introduced myself she said, ‘You’ve probably read about my husband in the press.’ She then proceeded to tell me that none of her friends could understand why her husband wasn’t in the Cabinet. I felt unable to offer an opinion on the subject, because until that moment I had never heard of him.

The name-card on the other side of me read ‘Susie’, and the lady in question had the sort of looks that made you wish you were sitting opposite her at a table set for two. Even after a sideways glance at that long fair hair, blue eyes, captivating smile and slim figure, I would not have been surprised to discover that she was a model. An illusion she was happy to dispel within minutes.