Four Warned

‘Once she’s got you to St Petersburg, she will want to have sex.’

‘We haven’t had sex for years.’

‘And not because I haven’t wanted to, m’lord.’

‘Oh, hell,’ said Dick, ‘I can’t win.’

‘You can as long as you don’t follow Lady Longford’s advice. When asked if she had ever considered divorcing Lord Longford, she replied, “Divorce, never, murder, often.”’

* * *

Mr and Mrs Richard Barnsley checked into the Grand Palace Hotel in St Petersburg a fortnight later. A porter placed their bags on a trolley, and then walked them to the Tolstoy Suite on the ninth floor.

‘Must go to the loo before I burst,’ said Dick as he rushed into the room ahead of his wife. While her husband disappeared into the bathroom, Maureen looked out of the window and admired the golden domes of St Nicholas’s Cathedral.

Once he had locked the door, Dick removed the DON’T DRINK THE WATER sign that was perched on the washbasin and tucked it into the back pocket of his trousers. Next he unscrewed the tops of the two Evian bottles and poured the contents down the sink. He then refilled both bottles with tap water, before screwing the tops firmly back on and returning them to their place on the corner of the basin. He unlocked the door and strolled out of the bathroom.

Dick started to unpack his suitcase, but stopped the moment Maureen disappeared into the bathroom. First, he transferred the DON’T DRINK THE WATER sign from his back pocket into the side flap of his suitcase. He zipped up the flap, before checking around the room. There was a small bottle of Evian water on each side of the bed, and two large bottles on the table by the window.

Dick grabbed the bottle by his wife’s side of the bed and retreated into the kitchenette at the far end of the room. He poured the contents down the sink, and refilled the bottle with tap water. He then returned it to Maureen’s side of the bed. Next, he took the two large bottles from the table by the window and repeated the process.

By the time his wife had come out of the bathroom, Dick had almost finished unpacking. While Maureen continued to unpack her suitcase, Dick strolled across to his side of the bed and dialled a number he didn’t need to look up. As he waited for the phone to be answered, he opened the bottle of Evian water on his side of the bed, and took a gulp.

‘Hi, Anatol, it’s Dick Barnsley. I thought I’d let you know that we’ve just checked in to the Grand Palace.’

‘Welcome back to St Petersburg,’ said a friendly voice. ‘And is your wife with you on this occasion?’

‘She most certainly is,’ replied Dick, ‘and very much looking forward to meeting you.’

‘Me too,’ said the minister, ‘so make sure that you have a relaxed weekend because everything is set up for Monday morning. The President is due to fly in tomorrow night so he’ll be present when the contract is signed.’

‘Ten o’clock at the Winter Palace?’

‘Ten o’clock,’ repeated Anatol Chenkov. ‘I’ll pick you up from your hotel at nine. It’s only a thirty-minute drive, but we can’t afford to be late for this one.’

‘I’ll be waiting for you in the lobby,’ said Dick. ‘See you then.’

He put the phone down and turned to his wife. ‘Why don’t we go down to dinner, my darling? We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.’ He adjusted his watch by three hours and added, ‘So perhaps it would be wise to have an early night.’

Maureen placed a long silk nightdress on her side of the bed and smiled in agreement. As she turned to place her empty case in the wardrobe, Dick slipped an Evian bottle from the bedside table into his jacket pocket. He then accompanied his wife down to the dining room.

* * *

The head waiter led them to a quiet table in the corner and, once they were seated, offered his two guests menus. Maureen disappeared behind the large leather menu while she considered the table d’hôte, which allowed Dick enough time to remove the bottle of Evian from his pocket, undo the cap and fill his wife’s glass.

Once they had both selected their meals, Maureen went over her proposed tour for the next two days. ‘I think we should begin with the Hermitage, first thing in the morning,’ she suggested, ‘take a break for lunch, and then spend the rest of the afternoon at the Summer Palace.’

‘What about the amber collection?’ asked Dick, as he topped up her water glass. ‘I thought that was a no-miss.’

‘I have already booked in the amber collection and the Russian Museum for Sunday.’

‘Sounds as if you have everything well organised,’ said Dick, as a waiter placed a bowl of borscht – beetroot soup, a Russian favourite – in front of his wife.

Maureen spent the rest of the meal telling Dick about some of the treasures that they would see when they visited the Hermitage. By the time Dick had signed the bill, Maureen had drunk the bottle of water.

Dick slipped the empty bottle back in his pocket. Once they had returned to their room, he filled it with tap water and left it in the bathroom.

By the time Dick had undressed and climbed into bed, Maureen was still studying her guidebook.