First Among Equals

Alexander laughed.

“In fact,” continued Pimkin, “interest in the date of your wedding has only been eclipsed by Charles and Lady Di. Gossips tell me,” he continued, clearly enjoying himself, “that my Honorable friend, the member for Sussex Downs, made you wait the full two years before you could place an announcement in The Times.”

“Yes, that’s true,” said Fiona. “Charles didn’t even answer my letters during that period, but lately when any problem’s arisen he’s been almost friendly.”

“Could that be because he also wants to place an announcement in The Times” said Pimkin, downing his gin quickly in the hope of being offered a second.

“What do you mean?”

“The fact that he has lost his heart to another.”

“Another?” said Alexander Dalglish.

“No less—” Pimkin paused as he sipped pointedly at his empty glass “—than Miss Amanda Wallace, only daughter of the late and little-lamented Brigadier Boozer Wallace.”

“Amanda Wallace?” said Fiona in disbelief. “Surely he’s got more sense than that.”

“I don’t think it has a lot to do with sense,” said Pimkin holding out his glass. “More to do with sex.”

“But he’s old enough to be her father.”

“If that is the case,” said Pimkin, “Charles can always adopt her.”

Alexander laughed.

“But I am informed by a reliable source,” continued Pimkin, “that marriage is being proposed.”

“You can’t be serious,” said Fiona flatly.

“The subject has most certainly been broached for she is undoubtedly pregnant and Charles is hoping for a son,” said Pimkin in triumph as he accepted his second double gin.

“That’s not possible,” said Fiona under her breath.

“And I am also informed,” continued Pimkin, “that some of the more ungenerous of our brethren are already suggesting the name of several candidates for the role of father.”

“Alec, you’re incorrigible.”

“My dear, it is common knowledge that Amanda has slept with half the Cabinet and a considerable cross section of back-benchers.”

“Stop exaggerating,” said Fiona.

“And what’s more,” continued Pimkin as if he hadn’t heard her, “she has only stopped short of the Labour front bench because her mother told her they were common and she might catch something from them.”

Alexander laughed again. “But surely Charles hasn’t fallen for the pregnancy trick?”

“Hook, line, and sinker. He’s like an Irishman who’s been locked into a Guinness brewery over the weekend. Dear Amanda has my Honorable friend uncorking her at every opportunity.”

“But she’s plain stupid,” said Alexander. “The only time I met her she assured me that Michael Parkinson was turning out to be an excellent chairman of the party.”

“Stupid she may well be,” said Pimkin, “but plain she is not and together, I’m told, they are updating the Kama Sutra.”

“Enough, Alec, enough,” said Fiona, laughing.

“You’re right,” said Pimkin, aware that his glass was nearly empty once again. “A man of my impeccable reputation cannot afford to be seen associating with people living in sin. I must leave immediately, darlings,” he said, rising to his feet. Pimkin put his glass down and Alexander accompanied him to the front door.

As it closed Alexander turned to Fiona. “Never short of useful information, our former member,” he said.

“I agree,” said Fiona. “So much gleaned for such a small investment in Beefeaters.”