Hell (A Prison Diary 1)

Belmarsh

South East London

Mr Kenneth Chan BSc. MCOptom.

90 High Street

Lee-on-Solent

Hampshire

PO13 9DA

31/7/2001

Dear Mr. Archer

I am sorry to trouble you. The reason I write to you is because one of my patients like yo

ur spectacles (The rimless pair you wore when you went to the funeral). I would be most grateful if you can let me know the brand, the model number, the colour and the size of the frame. All these information should be printed on the sides of the frame. Your reply will be appreciated.

Thank you for your attention!

90 High Street, Lee-on-Solent, Hampshire PO 13 9DA Telephone. 023 92 551919

8.40 pm

My cell door is unlocked by an officer and Del Boy is allowed to join me. His smile is as wide as ever, as he strolls in looking like a rent collector visiting someone who doesn’t always pay on time. He takes a seat on the end of the bed. For some time we discuss his upcoming appeal and the fact that he cannot read or write. It transpires that he can make out the odd word if he concentrates, but can only sign his name.

‘I’ve never needed much more,’ he explains. ‘I’m a barrow boy, not a banker.’

He makes a fair point, because were you to close your eyes and listen to him speak, although he’s quite unable to hide his cockney upbringing you certainly wouldn’t know he was black. He promises to take reading lessons just as soon as I depart for the Isle of Wight. I’m not convinced he’ll ever find out which floor the education department is on, until the curriculum includes ‘double-bubble’.

‘Now how can I help?’ he asks. ‘Because I’m the man.’

‘Well, if you’re the man, Derek, I’m running out of water, among other things.’

‘No problem,’ he replies, ‘and what are the other things?’

‘I’d like three bottles of Highland Spring, two packets of McVitie’s chocolate biscuits and a tube of toothpaste.’

‘No problem,’ he repeats. ‘They’ll be delivered to your cell in the morning, squire.’

‘And no double-bubble?’

‘No double-bubble.’ He hesitates. ‘As long as you agree never to say anything because if anyone found out it wouldn’t do my reputation any good.’

‘No problem,’ I hear myself saying.

On the outside, in that world I have vacated, a handful of people can make things happen. The secret is to know that handful of people. It’s no different on the inside. Derek ‘Del Boy’ Bicknell is a natural Chief Whip, Fletch, the Leader of the Opposition, Billy, Secretary of State for Education, Tony, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Paul, Home Secretary, and Colin, Secretary of State for Defence. Wherever you are, in whatever circumstances, leadership will always emerge. Block One, spur one, houses thirty-two murderers, seventeen lifers, and, without realizing it, has formed an inmates’ Cabinet. Nothing on paper, nothing official, but it works.

After Derek departs, I settle down on my bed to finish John Grisham’s The Partner. It’s too long, but what a storyteller.

10.07 pm

I put my head on the pillow. I can scarcely believe it, no more rap music. Well done, Mitchell.

Day 15