Heaven (A Prison Diary 3)

12.20 pm

I call Alison at the office to find that Mary is at the House of Lords attending an energy resources meeting. Alison runs through the radio and television interview requests received by Mary, but she’s decided only to issue this brief press statement.

PRESS RELEASE LORD ARCHER AND THE SIMPLE TRUTH CAMPAIGN

My family and I are delighted, but not surprised, that KPMG’s investigation into the Simple Truth campaign, spearheaded by Jeffrey in 1991, has confirmed that no funds were misappropriated by him or anyone else. We have known this from the outset. We are very proud of the work Jeffrey has done for Kurdish relief, the British Red Cross and many other good causes over the years. We hope that Baroness Nicholson, whose allegations have wasted much time and caused much unjustified distress, will accept KPMG’s findings.

Mary Archer

1.00 pm

Lady Thatcher has come out saying she’s not surprised by the outcome of the enquiry, which has dropped to the second item on the news following the death, at the age of ninety-two, of Dame Mary Whitehouse.

2.00 pm

Several of the officers are kind enough to comment on the outcome of the enquiry, but I’ve also fallen to second item with them. It seems that the two prisoners who absconded last night, Marley and Tom, were picked up early this morning by the police, only six miles from the prison. They were arrested, charged and transferred to Lincoln Prison. They will each have forty-two days added to their sentence and will never be allowed to apply for a D-cat status again, as they are now categorized as an escape risk.

5.00 pm

Slipped to third item on Live at Five, but as I have been exonerated, it’s clearly not news. If I had embezzled the £57 million, or any part of it, I would have remained the lead item for a couple of days, and the prison would have been swarming with photographers waiting for my transfer to Lincoln.

Not one photographer in sight.

10.00 pm

A passing mention of the Red Cross statement on the ten o‘clock news. I can see I shall have to abscond if I hope to make the headlines again.

10.30 pm

Irony. Eamon, my former room-mate, is now able to move in with his friend Shaun. They have been offered the room vacated by the two men who absconded.

DAY 129

SATURDAY 24 NOVEMBER 2001

4.00 am

A torch is flashed in my eyes, and I wake to see an officer checking if I’m in bed asleep and have not absconded. I’m no longer asleep.

7.17 am

I oversleep and only start writing just after seven.

10.00 am

The broadsheets all report the findings of the KPMG report. Several point out that none of this would have arisen if Baroness Nicholson, a former Tory MP turned Liberal peer, hadn’t made her complaint to Sir John Stevens in the first place. I call Mary to discuss our next move, but there’s no reply.

2.00 pm

I have a visit today from Doreen and Henry Miller. Doreen is a front-bench spokesman in the Lords having previously been a minister under John Major. She brings me up to date with news of the Upper House, and tells me that the latest Lords reform bill is detested on both sides of the chamber. The Bill ignores John Wakeham’s excellent Royal Commission report, and doesn’t placate the Labour party because not a large enough percentage of peers will be elected, and doesn’t placate the Tory party because it removes all the remaining hereditary peers. ‘It cannot,’ Doreen assures me, ‘reach the statute book in its present form, because it will meet with so much opposition in both Houses.’10

When Doreen and Henry leave, I don’t know where the ninety minutes went.

4.00 pm

I call Mary, but the phone just rings and rings.

4.40 pm