Purgatory (A Prison Diary 2)

DAY 76 - TUESDAY 2 OCTOBER 2001

9.00 am

The new probation officer asks to see me. Once I’ve settled in his office, he explains that he’s only going through the motions because if I move to a D-cat in the near future I won’t be seeing him again. When he learns that I’m appealing against both conviction and sentence, the meeting comes to an abrupt halt, and I am sent back to my cell.

12 noon

I phone Alison to discover that Tony Morton-Hooper has faxed Mr Carlton-Boyce (governor in charge of movement) with my preferences for a D-cat:

Latchmere House, Richmond

Spring Hill, Buckinghamshire

Ford, Sussex

Stamford Hill, Kent

They all sound like minor public schools.

I know that they are unlikely to allow me to transfer to Latchmere House as I don’t fulfil their criteria, and Ford has already turned me down on the grounds that they couldn’t handle the press interest. The inmates who have been to Stamford Hill tell me it’s full of young crackheads who will drive me to an early grave. I expect therefore to end up at Spring Hill, which Mr Meanwell has recommended all along.

3.00 pm

The SO (senior officer) on duty calls me in for a private word. It seems that two prisoners on C block have complained to the governor that I was seen wearing a tracksuit top during exercise, a privilege enjoyed only by enhanced prisoners. He will therefore have to search my cell for the offending article, but he’s rather busy at the moment, so he won’t be able to do so for another thirty minutes.

The offending article is a cream Adidas top, bequeathed to me by Sergio on the day he was deported. I return to my cell and hand the top to Darren. After I’ve told him about the interview, he calls in Jimmy, and between them they give my cell a thorough going over. They also remove one bedside lamp, one tin opener and a yellow check blanket, all of which I have acquired during the past month, and am not entitled to unless enhanced.

The SO arrives thirty minutes later, accompanied by another officer and together they search my cell. They reappear fifteen minutes later, declaring my cell to be clean.

I later learn that the two prisoners from C block who made the complaint are lifers - both in for murder. Envy in prisons is every bit as prevalent as it is on the outside.

7.00 pm

I call Sergio in Bogota and take advantage of the PS7 left on his phonecard. The news is not good. None of my bids for the Boteros has been accepted. Chris Beetles turned out to be right - knowing the artist’s mother is of no significance when dealing with a painter of international reputation. ‘Offer $500,000 for The Card Players,’ is my immediate response. There is a long silence before Sergio admits. It’s already been sold for $900,000.’ Beep… beep… beep… seconds to go. Tm sorry, Jeffrey, I’ll keep trying to find you a…’

I’ve never heard from Sergio since.

DAY 77 - WEDNESDAY 3 OCTOBER 2001

8.15 am

As we wait to be called for breakfast, the talk among the prisoners in the corridor is all about Shane (GBH, gym orderly). They’re fed up (not their actual words) with the incessant noise he makes late at night and first thing in the morning. I overhear that two or three of them are planning to beat him up in the shower room after he comes back from the rugby match this afternoon. I ask Darren if I ought to report this to Mr Tinkler.

‘No,’ he says adamantly. ‘Mind your own fuckin’ business and leave it to us. But when you next see Tinkler or Meanwell, you could mention what a fuckin’ nuisance Shane’s become. Most of us would like to see him moved back upstairs.’ It’s the first time Darren has sworn in front of me.

9.00 am

Pottery. Cancelled because I have to attend a meeting with Reg Walton, the sentence management officer. He seems a nice chap, if a little overburdened by it all. He explains that he has to fill in yet another form if I’m to advance to a D-cat.

‘Be reinstated’ I explain firmly, giving him a brief run-down of how I ended up at Wayland. He nods, and begins to fill in the little boxes. Here we go again.

Once he’s filled in all the little boxes he stands up, shakes my hand and wishes me luck.

‘My wife loves your books.’ He pauses. Though I confess I’ve never read one.’

2.00 pm

I referee a rugby match between Wayland and a local RAF camp. It’s our first game against a visiting team, and it shows. I play the advantage law as best I can to assist Wayland, but the RAF still end up winning 39-12.