“It’s not you…. God, don’t you hate that. ‘It’s not you’. I’ve never been the one to do this before. It sucks.”
“It’s not fun for me either,” Paul said.
“Yeah.” Ian grimaced. He gazed for a moment at the fly-eating plant, then turned back to Paul. “You remember you told me everyone gets a second chance? I need one. You heard them last night. I’m never going to be anything but the ‘troubled kid’ here. I’m not that person anymore. I want to start over where no one knows who I used to be.”
“We can do that. We can start over together.”
He shook his head. “You know who I was too.”
“I don’t care about that.”
Ian rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and shook his head again. “You can’t forget,” he said. “You remind me all the time.”
“Give me a chance. I know I get jealous, but I’m working on it.”
“Maybe it’s just that I can’t forget that you saw me that way.” Ian reached out to Paul and ran his fingers through the gray hair at his temples. “You really changed me, you know? When you met me, I never even thought I could wish for what I wanted. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for someone like me. Now I’m wishing for what I want. But I realized I want more than this.”
“What do you want? We can do it together.”
“We can’t. I want to start over. I don’t want to be a charity case or somebody’s dark secret.”
“I’m not ashamed of you.”
“You can’t help it. It’s just the situation. I mean, what were we thinking, you know? You’re a Christian minister. I’ll always be a problem for you.”
Paul started to object, but Ian cut him off.
“You know it’s true. And that’s always going to be a problem for me.”
“I can quit. I can do something else. We can go to Massachusetts like you wanted. Let’s run away and get married.”
Ian smiled, a wistful smile full of all the things he longed for and no longer believed he could have with Paul. “You can’t just quit,” he said. “Being a minister isn’t just a job for you. It’s who you are. I wish I had something like that. That’s why I love you.”
“If you love me, then why? Let me go with you.”
“You’d end up resenting me for it. I’ve done enough damage to your life. If I go now, you can fix things at the church. Just tell them it was all a misunderstanding and you were trying to protect me. They’ll believe it. You can have your old life back.”
“Don’t do this for me. That’s not what I want. I don’t want my old life back.” Tears flowed down Paul’s cheeks. He made no effort to stop them or brush them away. “I was dead inside when you came along. I don’t want to feel that dead again.”
“You brought me back to life too.”
“When did you decide all this?”
“At the meeting.”
“You decided last night, and you’re leaving this morning? You didn’t give me much of a chance.”
“I decided yesterday, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while…. I’m really glad I met you. Sometimes… I think it’s not always supposed to last forever, you know? But it was… well….” His face finished the sentence. It was a positive emotion that he didn’t have the words to describe.
“So last night…. What was that, good-bye?”
“What would you have done if I’d told you then?”
Paul thought about it. “I’d have held you longer,” he said.
“Yeah.”
After a moment, Ian stood up and flung the backpack over his shoulder.