Beautifully Broken

I give her a doubtful look. “We’ve all heard that before, Cybil.” I glance down and notice that she’s also wearing brand new running shoes. “What’s with the new clothes, Cyb? Since when do you go for the fresh from yoga class look?”

Cybil runs her hands down her sides. “It’s cute, right? Marcus took me shopping. He said all the girls from his club wear clothes like this when they’re not working.” She turns around, giving me a view of her rock-solid butt. “Plus these pants make my ass look fantastic, don’t they? Marcus is surrounded by twenty-year-old tits and ass every night. I need to be able to keep up. My body isn’t what it used to be.”

Ah, that explains it. “Please, Cybil, you look amazing and you know it. If Marcus can’t see that, then leave him.”

She releases a lyrical laugh. “Oh, darling daughter, you have so much to learn about men. Especially men like Marcus.”

“Thanks, Mom, but I have no desire to learn anything about men like Marcus.”

“I have to work damn hard to look like this at my age, Katherine. Marcus is used to being surrounded by beauty. He wouldn’t want to provide for me unless I can look just as good, if not better than those girls that work for him. You’ll see when you get pregnant one day and you have to watch in horror as your body changes.”

I stiffen as the words leave her mouth, waiting for her to realize what she has just said to me. Three…two…one…and there it is! Her eyes widen for only a second, but it’s enough to know she realizes what she has done.

“Oh, Baby Girl—”

I hold my hand up. “Don’t, Cybil. We agreed to never talk about that shit again and you know it!”

Wow, she actually manages to look remorseful. “I know, honey, and I’m sorry. I’m really, truly sorry. I guess I forgot for a minute.”

>

My fists clench. “How nice for you…that you can just forget. You see, I don’t have that luxury. It’s rather hard to forget being forced to deliver a baby that isn’t nearly ready to enter the world. It’s hard to forget how she felt growing inside of me…feeling every little kick and turn, only to watch as she takes her final breath and stops moving entirely. It’s rather hard to forget how she came to be in the first place!” I swipe angrily at the tears that are pouring down my face.

Cybil grabs my arm. “Katherine, I know! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to bring it up. I wasn’t thinking!”

I pull away from her. “That’s your problem, Mother. You don’t think! At least not about anything that matters.” I throw my purse over my shoulder and head for the door. “Thanks for the lovely chat, Cybil. I’ll see you later.”

I slam the door and walk toward my parking spot. My empty parking spot. Fuck. With everything going on this morning, I completely forgot about my Civic being stuck at the bar. To make matters worse, it’s starting to rain. Of course it’s starting to rain. I take a fortifying breath, pull my hood over my head and begin the three-mile-trek to collect my car.

“DO YOU HAVE A NAME PICKED OUT?” the ultrasound tech, Susan, asks as she applies warm gel to my protruding stomach.

I shake my head. “No…um, I’m giving the baby up for adoption.”

She gives me a sad smile. “Oh, I’m sorry for bringing it up, sweetie; I must have missed that on your file.”

“It’s okay,” I assure her. “I mean, I’m okay with my decision...who’s capable of being a good parent at fifteen anyway? I found a really great couple that have been trying to conceive for six years. The adoption will be open so I’ll get to see pictures as he or she grows up. I just want what’s best for the baby. In my situation, that’s not me.”

Susan squeezes my hand. “This is a very brave thing you’re doing, Katherine. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

She perks up as the machine whirls to life. “Are you ready to do this? You’re twenty weeks now so I’m going to take a peek and make sure everything is on track with the little peanut. You’ll see me taking some measurements and such. If you’d like, I can explain what I’m doing along the way.”

“Sure.”

“Provided baby cooperates, I should be able to determine the sex as well. Would you like to know?”

“Do most people want to know?”

“It depends,” she replies. “Some do; some like to be surprised. Do you know if the adoptive parents have a preference?”

“Um, I don’t know. Maybe you should tell me and then they can decide if they want to know or not.”

Susan smiles again. “Okay, honey. We can do that. Just relax while I check baby out and we’ll go from there.”

I wipe a rogue tear from my cheek as I slip out of my daydream. After getting my car, I drove straight to the one place where I can think clearly. With no access road, the only way of getting here is by leaving your car on the side of the highway and hiking down an embankment. I’ve been here hundreds of times and not once have I encountered another person. It’s a small, nondescript piece of land that becomes rather ominous during a storm, but still, it’s my own little piece of paradise in this Podunk town.

As I sit on the rocky beach, thumbing my heart-shaped locket, I finally feel like I can breathe. The waves pound angrily against the shore, as seagulls swoop and dive for their next meal. I close my eyes and inhale deeply—the smell of brine mixed with evergreens fills my nose. I open my eyes and stare at the whitecaps out in the distance. As much as I hate living in a small town, where everyone knows your business, I don’t think I could ever stray too far from the water. The ocean, in all its vastness, has a way of making me feel like any problem I’m having is insignificant.