He nods. “Very well. Let us know if you need anything.”
Dr. Miller closes the curtain and steps out. I can’t seem to look away from her body lying in front of me. Her face is covered so I can’t see anything besides her shape. The logical part of my brain tells me that my mom is under there. The illogical part tells me that she’s not. If I don’t see her face or feel her chilled skin, then she’d still be alive. Once I pull down those covers, there’s no going back; I’m sealing my fate of being without her forever. I’m not sure if I’m ready to face that.
I take another two steps and carefully pinch the top of the sheet with my fingers. I squeeze my eyes shut as I lower it just enough to uncover her face. I take several deep breaths before opening them and seeing her pale features.
“Mom,” I croak.
God, she’s so beautiful, even in death. It almost seems like she’s sleeping...like she’s going to wake up at any moment and tell me this was all a horrible joke. I know that’s not going to happen though because I can sense that something’s not right. Never mind the fact that her body remains completely still; it’s more that I can no longer feel her presence. Marcus was right when he said she had a spunk like no other. S
he knew how to command attention when she walked into a room. I know we’ve had our problems but I relied on that dysfunction. It was the one constant in my life. And as ridiculous as it may be, a small part of me had always hoped that she would clean up one day and actually want to be my mom. Not just Cybil—the woman who gave birth to me. One day, we would actually have a normal mother-daughter bond.
As I press my hand to the top of her head and smooth out her bleached hair, that hope dies. The heat has already left her body. The spark that was always inside of her is no longer there. My fingertips press against her scalp, feeling her solid form, but at the same time, it’s hollow. Her body may be here physically, but this is no longer Cybil Kennedy. Cybil Kennedy has moved on to another place. I’m not a religious person, but I hope that wherever she is, she’s finally at peace. She hid it well, but I always knew she was slowly dying on the inside. Her addiction constantly ate away at her. She fought her demons daily. I try finding solace in the fact that she no longer has to suffer.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob. “I’m so sorry you couldn’t fight hard enough. That you no longer have a chance. I didn’t mean it when I said I wanted you gone. I never wanted you gone; I just wanted you to be better. I wanted you to be my mom. Why couldn’t you just be my mom?”
I fall to my knees and cry as I clutch her arm over the sheet. I’m not sure how long I’m there before a nurse walks in.
“Is there anything I can get you, hun?”
I wipe my face on my sleeve. “Um…no, thank you. I think I’m done.” I stand up and look at the bed one more time. “I love you, Mom.” I bend over to kiss her forehead before pulling the sheet up again.
The nurse gives me a sad nod and steps aside so I can exit. Marcus is waiting outside the door.
“Katherine, are you okay?” he asks.
“I will be. You can go in now; I’m done.”
He quickly glances into the room then back to me. “The hospital needs to know what to do with her…remains. Do you have a preference?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I don’t think she’d want a burial.”
“Neither do I,” he says. “Okay…I’ll tell them we’d like cremation. We can decide what to do after that. Do you need a ride home? I should only be a few minutes.”
“I’m not going back there,” I sniff. “I can’t…not right now. I’ll be okay; I can stay with a friend.”
He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I’ll be in touch soon.”
“Okay.”
“Katherine, this probably goes without saying, but I’m taking some time off from the club. I suggest you do the same. Just let me know when you’re ready to come back.”
I nod silently before turning around and walking away. Numbly, I make my way through the corridors to the parking lot. I don’t even remember the drive to Gavin’s as I put my key in the lock and open the front door. Frodo is waiting for me in the foyer. He rubs himself against my legs, trying to get my attention.
I bend down to pick him up. “Hi, buddy.”
He mews in response. I cradle him to my chest and carry him to bed. I’m exhausted but every time I close my eyes, I see my mom’s face. Instead, I focus on Frodo’s rhythmic purrs as I stroke his soft fur. It’s well after sunrise before I’m able to sleep.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR,” Gavin whispers as he softly kisses the back of my neck. “Did you miss me?”
“What time is it?” I mumble.
“Just after three. Are you feeling okay? It’s not like you to sleep in so late.”
My eyes are so swollen from crying that I have trouble prying my lids open. I stretch as I roll over to face him and squint at the brightness assaulting my eyeballs. I must look as bad as I feel because Gavin’s eyes widen when he gets a good look at me.
“Kat, what’s wrong? Why do you look like you’ve been crying?”
I sit up and scrub a shaky hand over my face. I’m surprised I have any tears left as my eyes begin to fill. “Because I have.”