Finding Faerie (Pixie Dust Chronicles 3)

I sighed. “My brain gets short-circuited when you touch me. I can’t help feeling things that I don’t want to feel.”

“So…you’re saying you want me. But you don’t want to want me?”

“It’s not just sex,” I explained. “It hurts, okay? It hurts to think about what happened between you and Maria, it hurts to think about what we lost because of it, it hurts that everything went to shit right when I finally thought I had it all figured out.”

His face reddened. “So you’re still blaming me for what happened with Maria?”

“What? No, I don’t blame you…but I can’t exactly forget what happened either.”

“You’re never going to see the truth, are you?”

I scrunched my brows in confusion. “What truth is that?”

He leaned over the table and lowered his voice. “Let me ask you this, Karli. Do you think I wanted to sleep with Maria? Do you think I would ever do something like that if I were cognizant of my actions?”

Why did he insist on rehashing this? “No and no. I know you were under a spell, Vance. I get it. But like I said before, I can’t ever get those images out of my head. It’s too hard.”

“Fucking society and its double standards,” he muttered.

“What are you talking about?”

He sat back and narrowed his eyes at me. “Let’s say a man and a woman meet in a bar. He buys her a drink and spikes it with a roofie. After she drinks it, she goes home with him and they have sex. Would you consider their sex consensual?”

My mouth gaped. “Of course not! He drugged her!”

He

crossed his arms again. “You’re smart, Karli. Let that thought marinate for a minute.”

I bit my lip, trying to figure out where he was going with this. I gasped as the realization hit me like a brick to the head. Vance was raped. Society did have a double standard when it came to men being raped by women. It becomes more of a joke, or a brush off even, because hey, if he can get it up, he must have wanted it at least a little, right?

“Omigod.” I wiped a tear from my face. “Vance, I’m so sorry I didn’t think of it like that before.”

He shrugged. “I don’t want your apologies or your pity, Karli. I just want you to see the truth—that by no means was any part of what happened with Maria consensual. God forbid, but if the situation were reversed, it would never affect my feelings towards you. Does this epiphany of yours change anything? Are you willing to give us another shot?”

Oh, God, I was a monster! What kind of person leaves someone because they’ve been raped? I felt sick. How could I have done that to him? I felt worse when I realized that even if I wanted to jump straight back into Vance’s arms, I didn’t think I could. Would I ever be able to switch off that part of my brain that played those images of Vance and Maria in bed together? He touched her with so much love poured into every action that night. I shuddered when I recalled his breathy sentiments, telling her how he could never live without her, how she was his everything, how she made him the happiest man alive. Could I ever look past that? Could I ever get over the feeling that I was second best? Nowadays, Maria was one massively crazy bitch, but at one point, she was the woman he chose to marry. Vance didn’t take marriage lightly; he would’ve never made that commitment unless he wanted forever. That night made me realize how much he’d truly loved her. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever really let go of those feelings. Christ, why didn’t I realize this before coming here? At least then, maybe Vance and I would’ve had a chance. Maybe, with time, I would have gotten over my insecurities.

I thought about everything that had happened since I’d been in Ireland. Every moment I’d shared with Leo. Could I really regret being with him? The answer I found inside myself was a resounding no. In spite of this realization about Vance, I loved Leo. I saw proof of that in my aura. Being intimate with him was so special for both of us. I refused to be ashamed of it and I refused to ping pong back and forth anymore. Neither man deserved to be treated like that. Despite the circumstances that led to it, I chose to take my relationship with Leo to the next level and I had to see that through. God, how was I going to tell Vance? Could this fucked up situation get any more complicated?

“Vance, I can’t. Too much has happened. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before. I really, truly am. Maybe things would be different…maybe not, but I need to move on now.”

He scoffed. “Move on, with Leo?”

My jaw dropped. “I didn’t say that.”

His fists clenched. “You didn’t have to.”

I straightened in my seat. “I’m not discussing this with you.”

“But there’s something worth discussing?” he insisted. “I’m not an idiot, Karli. Something’s different with you two. What’s changed?”

We stared at each other in a standoff as the waitress delivered our drinks.

She took out a small pad of paper and clicked her pen open. “Are you ready to order?”

Vance looked away from me. “Could we have a few more minutes please?”

“Of course. Just holler when you’re ready.”