I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Sutton,” I growled her name.
She collapsed on top of me, our damp bodies clinging together. I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face into the curve of her neck.
I wanted to melt inside her and get lost, so that none of my past ever existed. I wanted to be able to start fresh and release the strings tying me down, but I wasn’t there yet. Maybe one day, but it was still too hard and I needed to escape.
CHAPTER 15
Caelan
I lay on the ground, between the graves of my family. Lately, I’d been coming here more often. I found solace in the eerie quiet of the cemetery. It soothed my wounded soul being close to them. I couldn’t bring them back, but I did have the power to never forget them, and that was something.
I reached out and plucked a withered piece of grass from the ground. Summer had left and fall was upon us.
I twirled the blade of grass between my fingers, staring up at the blue sky and the clouds floating by.
I wondered if that was what heaven looked like—bright, happy, warm, and full of promise.
I knew I’d fucked up royally and there would be no peaceful afterlife for myself. I’d never be reunited with my family. I was destined to burn for my sins. A part of me was angry about that, but I knew I deserved it for how I’d acted, how I still acted, after their passing. I’d destroyed my family’s name instead of honoring it. What kind of person does that? Me. That’s who.
Looking back, I knew I should’ve accepted help after they died. A counselor would’ve been able to help me move past their deaths and cleanse myself of those last memories of them. No one should ever have to see the people they love slashed open like a fucking sacrifice.
I had wished so many times that I died with them, so that I didn’t have to deal with this pain.
I’d forgotten a long time ago what it felt like to be happy.
The emotion held no meaning for me anymore.
To be happy, you have to care, and I cared about nothing.
“That’s not true.” Cayla’s voice floated through the air.
“What do you mean?”
“You care for Sutton,” she whispered, like she was afraid I’d get mad. Which I did.
“No, I don’t. You don’t know anything!”
“I know more than you think, Cael.” She said, and it was almost like she was alive again, looking at me like I was the silliest thing she’d ever seen. I missed her so much. I missed them all. I would give anything to have one more day with them. To tell them I loved them and I missed them and that they were the best family any one could ever ask for, and that I was sorry for not realizing it sooner.
“You have to let people in if you want to get better. Open up, Cael. Share your pain. It’s okay. Let her see it all.” I swore it felt like someone tapped my chest, right where my heart lay.
I placed my hand on the spot.
“And what if it scares her? What if my darkness swallows us whole?” I asked.
“Then it wasn’t meant to be, but you accomplished something by trying,” she mused. “If you do nothing but fear rejection, you’ll never do or try anything.”
“I hate that you’re smarter than me,” I smiled, crossing my arms behind my head.
“I’m dead, I see and know everything, so of course I’m smarter.”
“How do I know I’m not just hallucinating your voice?” I questioned.
“Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. I guess it’s up to you to decide what you believe.”
“I miss you.” My voice was barely above a whisper, painfully choked out. “I miss all of you so much. It hurts so much having you all gone.”
“I know, Cael.” Her voice sounded sad. “We miss you too.”