Beauty in the Ashes

“You think so?”

“I know so,” I nodded, taking another drink. I needed to pace myself before I ended up drunk and had to go to work. God, I hoped I was working with Emery tonight. I didn’t think I could tolerate Angela. Gathering my thoughts back to the topic at hand, I said, “I do think it might be healing for you if you went back.”

He swiveled to face me, his eyes full of anger. “Are you fucking crazy? I can’t go back there!”

“Hey,” I raised my hands in surrender, “don’t get mad. It was merely a suggestion.”

His face softened and he mumbled an apology under his breath.

I hoped he wasn’t terribly mad at me for bringing it up, but I really did think it would help to move on if he went back. He needed to come to that realization on his own, though. I only hoped the seed had been planted and it grew.

I circled my legs back around, so that they weren’t dangling off the side of the building anymore. I grabbed the bottle of wine and swung it between my fingers, a little bit spilling on the ground. “I have to get ready for work,” I told him.

He flicked the cigarette over the side of the building, watching it fall. “Okay.”

I thought maybe he’d tell me that he wanted me to come to his apartment when I got home, but he said nothing. That was Caelan though, and I didn’t take it personally.

“I’ll see you later, Gregory!” I called as I left.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even turn to watch me leave.

???

Caelan

I heard the door leading back into the building click close behind her. I knew I should’ve said something more to her besides ‘okay’. At least a goodbye. But I’d been unable to utter anything.

I kept replaying what she suggested—going back to my childhood home.

Would it be good for me? Could I do it? Or would it send me into an even bigger downward spiral?

I was really sick of questioning everything. What happened to living?

I reached over for the wine bottle and found it gone. Damn, Sutton.

Time for another cigarette then.

As the end of it glowed orange, I stared down at the street

below. While it had been dark for hours, the street below was bright with the glow of the handy dandy old-fashioned looking street-lights.

You know, I think I’d been numb for so long—thanks to drugs and alcohol, and my own ability to block any feelings I didn’t want to have—that I didn’t know how to function like a normal human being anymore.

I rubbed at my chest, where my broken heart resided.

Looking below, I saw Sutton dart out of the building. Her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her bag thumped at her side.

I loved her, I did, but I also knew my love was flawed and it would never be enough. It wasn’t the love she deserved either. She needed someone that would put her first, and I was smart enough to know that I wasn’t that guy. I knew if I was a good person I’d cut her loose right now, instead of dragging this out further. But I wasn’t a good person. I was selfish, and that was why I wanted her for as long as I could have her.

I took a deep breath and blew it out. It fogged in the air, and I watched the random shapes swirl around before eventually disappearing. I wished I could disappear like that—float away and cease to exist. Life fucking sucked, and more often than not, I didn’t want to live. But my heart kept beating, because it was the exact kind of punishment I deserved. Those that die were the lucky ones, because Earth was a pretty shitty place.

I jumped when the ashes of the cigarette burned my fingers. I’d completely forgotten about it.

I let it fall, joining the countless others that littered the street.

I shivered from the cold air, but I didn’t go inside. Not yet. The chilly night provided a much needed clarity.

Kicking my legs back and forth I forced myself to remember something besides the pain of after. It was hard, but the memories were there. I reached out, grasping on to the thin tendrils, and pulled.