My bad decisions had led me down a path I never imagined—a dark, twisting thing that never seemed to end. There was the occasional bright spot. Like my art. Or Sutton. I did feel joy, but not as often as I used to. So when the emotion did make its presence known, I grasped onto it, holding tight for fear that it would leave me at any second—because the fact of the matter was, I was afraid to let myself live and be happy. If I moved on, it would be like I was accepting that they were gone. It seemed wrong to allow myself to be happy, when they were dead.
Oh, Cael. You were always so stupid. Cayla’s voice hissed. Of course we want you to be happy. We want to see you move on and start a life. You can be happy and still miss us. It’s not like you’re choosing one over the other.
That was Cayla. Always the wise one. Even at sixteen she was smarter than I gave her credit for her. I loved my sister, but I also picked on her endlessly. I wished now that I’d been a better brother. A better son too. Once people are gone, it’s all too easy to let yourself look back and regret. But regrets are just that, and there’s nothing you can do to change them. We’re stuck with the decisions we made.
“I’m ready,” I whispered, leaving my room.
Going into Cayla’s was the true test.
I stood in the hallway, staring at her closed door.
Sutton’s hand rubbed soothing circles on my back.
I opened the door and that’s when it all fell apart.
I sunk to my knees, unable to bear the emotions rushing me. I was flooded with memories of that night—of sitting in this room and watching the blood drip onto the floor, helpless to do anything. Seeing someone you love gutted like a fucking animal was unbearable, and I had to witness it not once, but three times.
Of course it changed me. How could it not? If I carried on like everything was normal, wouldn’t that have been worse than the way things turned out?
“It’s not fair!” I cried. In my anger I threw the picture frame. It smacked against the wall. The glass shattered as it fell apart.
The broken picture only served to upset me more.
“No!” I rushed over to where the pieces lay, trying in vain to put it back together. Luckily, the picture was relatively unharmed. I picked it up, not caring if I cut myself on the glass. I stood up and held the picture carefully so that I didn’t damage it.
I forced myself to look around the room. I took in everything, searing it into my memory like I had with the rest of the house. I knew this would be the last time I came here. It was too painful, and I knew in my heart that it was time to sell it. There was no point in keeping a house I had no intentions to live in. We’d had a good life here, except for that night, and it was time for a new family to live here and create their life story.
“Are you okay?” Kyle asked.
I nodded.
“You’re crying,” Sutton gasped.
I reached up, my fingers connecting with dampness. “I didn’t know I was.”
They grew quiet and gave me all the time I needed. I made one last lap through the whole house before I stopped at the front door.
Looking at Kyle, I said, “I’ll be calling a relator on Monday.”
He nodded. “Good.”
Standing on the front porch I watched as he closed the door.
They always say when one door closes, another one opens. I really hoped that was true.
CHAPTER 22
Sutton
I was surprised by how well Caelan handled returning home. He was obviously shaken up, but his reaction was relatively mild. I took that as a good sign. He needed to move on, and I think he saw that now too.
He’d reframed the picture of his family and it now resided on the table beside his bed.
Like he told Kyle, he’d contacted a relator and the house was going on the market in two weeks. In that time, everything was being cleared out of the house. Caelan refused to have any dealings with that part, and I didn’t blame him. Kyle was taking care of it, along with the help of some of the other guys Caelan went to school with. Even though I didn’t really talk much to Kyle I liked the guy. He wanted Caelan to get better too, and was willing to do whatever it took to make it happen. I’d only known Caelan a few months, but Kyle had known him his whole life. I imagined it had been hard for him to watch his best friend fade away and helpless to stop it.
“Are you going home for Christmas?”
“Huh?” I shook my head, bringing myself back to the present.