Beauty in the Ashes

“For something stupid…like me,” I finished for him.

He nodded weakly. “I was ready to give up my life for you,” he choked. “I’m as addicted to you as I am the drugs and alcohol. It’s unhealthy. I need to stand on my own two feet. I can’t do that with you.” He looked away from me and up at the ceiling. I sa

w how hard this was for him but my heart hurt and I wanted to be angry. I bit down on my tongue so hard that I tasted blood, but I knew it was better that I didn’t speak, because nothing nice would come out of my mouth. “Needing you is my fucking downfall. We’re all wrong for each other, Sutton,” he continued. “I think we did help each other. We helped each other heal, and we learned to love. But we’re too fucked up to ever work. At least right now. Maybe one day, but I’m afraid one day won’t be soon enough. I have to say goodbye to you. I’ll be gone for a while and even once I’m out, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough for this,” he pointed to himself and then me. “Don’t wait for me. Please, whatever you do,” tears streamed down his face, “don’t fucking wait for me. I’m not sure if I can come back here. It’s okay to move on. I love you, I do. More than you’ll ever know and that’s why I have to end this. I think you know in your heart,” he placed his palm over my chest, “that I’m right. I hope one day I’ll be ready to see you. Maybe even to love you, but don’t wait,” he repeated.

I cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. I loved Caelan Gregory with every fiber of my being and his words ripped me apart, because deep down I knew he was right. We weren’t meant to be. He wasn’t the one. Maybe there never would be a perfect guy for me.

“I love you,” I sobbed, “but I understand.”

I scooted the wheelchair closer and he grasped the back of my neck, rubbing his thumb in slow circles. “I wish I was a strong enough man for you.” His lips glided against my forehead.

My tears soaked his hospital gown. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Even if we weren’t a couple I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. I would feel so empty without him. I needed him…but I guessed that was why we didn’t work. Need was not a good quality in a relationship. It created a lethal bond that slowly self-destructed. In the very bottom of my heart and soul, I’d known this was coming—it was necessary.

We would both end up stronger people because of this.

That didn’t mean I liked it or that it was easy.

Looking into his eyes I knew he was struggling with this as much as I was.

“You’ll never lose me,” he declared. “I’ll always live here,” he touched my chest, just over my heart once more, “and here,” he tapped my forehead, “in your memories.”

“Can I call you?” I asked.

He shook his head, looking at me pityingly. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. Besides, I don’t think rehab facilities let you talk to outsiders. It’s all about the cleansing process. Please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

I took a deep breath, gathering myself. “Okay.” I felt gutted. The right thing can sometimes be very painful.

The nurse returned to wheel me away. He grasped my hand and held on tight. “I live for you.”

I closed my eyes, savoring his words as I knew it would be the last time I ever heard him speak them.

With a whisper that carried behind me as I was taken away, I said, “I live for you.”

I did. And I always would.

CHAPTER 27

Sutton

I’d thought I’d had my heart broken before.

I was wrong.

This was what having your heart broken really felt like.

Couldn’t breathe, Couldn’t think, couldn’t feel.

It was like the moment our hands released each other I shut down. I knew he was doing what was best for him, and ultimately me, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

I felt lost.

My buoy was gone and I was adrift at sea.

He’d etched a permanent scar on my heart.

The sliding glass doors opened onto the pickup line at the hospital.