Sweet Dandelion

“You said school is dull and boring for you. What would make it better?”

I look out the window like I always do when I need a moment to gather my thoughts. It’s like a part of me thinks that all the answers I need are out there and I just have to spot them, take them, and give them to him.

“I don’t know.” I shiver with fear, a fear that’s rooted into the pit of my stomach. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

When I finally have the courage to draw my eyes back to his, they’re soft, looking at me not with pity but understanding.

“It’s okay not to know.”

“I’m scared about what comes after,” I admit, nibbling my bottom lip. “What happens when I leave here? The real world isn’t a forgiving place.”

“This is the real world too, Dani.”

“I know, but school feels like a small isolated space compared to what’s out there. I used to think I knew where I fit into things, what my role was, I don’t know anything anymore. That’s something that was taken from me that day.”

He doesn’t ask which day. He knows.

He taps his finger against his lips. There’s still no pity in his eyes, which I’m thankful for. I don’t want to be pitied, I want to be understood.

“I don’t know what makes me happy.” I tug on the sleeve of my shirt, rubbing the fabric between my thumb and forefinger. “I know we can’t be happy all the time, that’s impossible, but…”

“But what?” he prompts when I grow quiet for too long.

Exhaling a breath, I lift my shoulders, letting them fall. “I don’t want to exist, I want to live. That’s all I’ve been doing since it happened. Existing, not living.” My throat grows thick and I hold my breath, damming back my tears. I don’t want to cry. I want to be strong.

“And you think you have to be happy to be living?”

I angle my head. “Don’t you? If you’re not happy, aren’t you merely wandering through life? You’re there, but you’re not there, if you know what I mean.” I pause, rubbing my lips together. “Forget it, I’m probably not making any sense.”

“No, I hear what you’re saying. Do you…” He clears his throat and leans forward, clasping his hands together. His twin azure blue pools stare deep into my soul, seeing everything. “Do you want to talk about that day, Dani?”

My heart speeds up at his question.

Do I want to talk about that day? Do I want to relive that nightmare?

I feel my body lock up, all the tension freezing my muscles.

“Dani?” His voice seems to echo as if he’s down a long hall. “Are you okay?”

I close my eyes, clenching my fists as I try to block out the memories. The eerie silence punctuated by pops and random screams. Fear coating my tongue like some sticky syrup I couldn’t swallow.

Too much. It’s all too much.

“Dani?”

His hand touches mine and it sends sparks all the way up my arm.

I grab my backpack, pushing past him and out the door.

I run down the hall, his steps echoing after mine. I dash into the first place I can find that I know he won’t follow—the girls bathroom.

I push inside and into a stall. My backpack falls off my arm onto the floor and I close the toilet lid. Sitting down I draw my legs up to my chest. Tears burn my eyes and I sniffle.

He knocks on the door, still saying my name.

“Dani.”

His voice is near, too near.