Sweet Dandelion

After several hours of walking the streets, stopping in shops and checking out the changing of the guard, I find myself drawn into a bookshop. Ansel follows, not saying a thing as I open the door and head inside.

I pause inhaling the scent of the books stacking the shelves all the way to the ceiling. The scent makes me think of Lachlan and all his piles of books. It hurts thinking of him, like a painful stab wound that won’t stop throbbing.

Looking up, the ceiling is covered in mirrors, giving it the trippy effect of stretching for miles.

“Lachlan would love this,” I whisper to myself, but of course Ansel overhears me.

He places his hand on my waist, giving me a sad look, but he doesn’t say anything, which I’m grateful for. I don’t know how I would reply if he did.

I walk down the aisles of books, smiling when I find cozy nooks set up to curl up with a book of your choosing.

Despite myself I take a picture and send it to him. I know he won’t really get it anyway, he still hasn’t read any of my messages. I suppose that’s a good thing considering some of them are not so nice. It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it, though, for leaving without a word.

Our last night together, he made love to me knowing he was going to abandon me. He kissed me, pleasured me, all while knowing I would never see him again.

I still can’t believe I brought his letter. I should’ve left it at home. The last thing I need to do on this trip is travel with the baggage of what it might say. I’m terrified whatever is inside will only break my heart more. It’s already been battered enough.

Behind the photo I send another text message.

Me: I could get lost in here. Would you even bother to look for me?

With a sigh, I put my phone away. I know I need to stop texting him, but I’m not ready. It’s therapeutic, a diary of sorts.

“Are you okay?” Ansel steps around a shelf, finding me with my arms wrapped around myself.

I nod, but the smile I give him is sad. “I’m fine.”

He grips my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “You can talk to me.”

“I know.”

If I ever get to the point where I want to talk about Lachlan, get my thoughts and feelings off my chest, I know I can trust Ansel. Despite the rumors, and me confirming the truth, he stood by my side and hasn’t judged me for it. Sasha too, was understanding, and I know I need to keep in contact with her while we’re gone. I don’t want her to think she means nothing to me. If I’ve learned anything in the last year it’s how important relationships are whether they’re familial, friendships, or romantic.

I explore the shelves a bit longer, buying two books before we leave. It’s nearing dinnertime so we stop in a pub near the flat to eat. With our bellies full we walk out. Ansel loops a few of his fingers around mine. I flash him a smile.

We enter the flat, locking the door behind us. I send Sage a few texts, letting him know we’re going to be heading to bed soon.

I take my shower first and while Ansel is getting his I turn the blankets back on the bed, fixing the pillows. It hasn’t been discussed but I want him to sleep in the bed again tonight. With him close I feel safer, and it should keep my nightmares at bay.

The pipes squeal as the shower is turned off. I know it’ll be a little bit before he leaves the bathroom, but I still feel nervous. I know it’s silly, he’s my friend, but I don’t want him to think I’m broken, or needy, or maybe even leading him on.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I hold my breath when I hear the door open. His feet pad across the creaky hardwood floor and then he stands in the doorway, leaning his body against it.

“You okay?” He picks up on my body language instantly.

I nod, but don’t meet his eyes.

“What is it, Meadows?”

I stare down at my hands, spreading my fingers before curling them into my palms.

“Can you sleep in here again tonight? With me?”

“Sure—is that what you’re nervous about?”

I stand up, brushing my hair off my face. “Yeah.” I let out a laugh. “It’s dumb, I know. But I felt better last night once you were here. When I fell apart, you held me together.”

I close my eyes, thinking of how I was once so sure that Lachlan was the glue to all my broken pieces.