Sweet Dandelion

The cold chill hits me like a slap to the face. It’s just what I need.

The streets aren’t too busy, where we live is a quieter street, and I’m able to walk without worrying about bumping into anyone.

My throat feels tight and my eyes burn.

I almost kissed Ansel, and the worst thing is a part of me wanted to. I wanted to see how his lips would feel against mine, how different his touch would be from Lachlan’s. But if I’m going to kiss Ansel then Lachlan shouldn’t be a thought in my brain, but he is, because despite everything he’s always there.

I walk with my head down, trying not to think of all the walks I took from Sage’s condo, subsequently bumping into Lachlan and Zeppelin.

I miss him and I hate myself for missing him.

It’s maddening loving someone so much when you wish you could hate them instead.

I’ve sent him so many texts saying I hate him, but it’s never true. I don’t hate him at all and it’s not fair. He’s the one who left. He’s no doubt moved on with his life, while I’m still here, this many months later, unable to kiss another guy because all I can think of is him and how it feels like a betrayal if I kiss Ansel.

I keep walking and walking, refusing to let my limp slow me down. With all the walking we’ve done in the various cities we’ve been to my leg has grown stronger, but there have also been days when it aches deep in the bones and joints.

My phone rings and it’s Ansel, but I ignore his call. He’s the last person I want to talk to right now. I know he probably wants to make sure I’m okay, but I need this time to myself. I need to walk and breathe and think, even if thinking hurts. It stirs up emotions I keep burying instead of dealing with. I’m masking the problem, not solving it, and I’m never going to be able to truly move on from the shooting, from Lachlan, until I do.

I walk deeper into the city, onto unfamiliar streets. I know there’s no way I’ll ever find my way back to the apartment, but I’m not planning to. When I’m ready to go back I’ll catch a cab.

My thoughts drift as I walk, probably going places they shouldn’t at times, but it allows me to sort through some things.

I pass a flower shop, and pause, staring at the flowers inside.

There’s not a single dandelion amongst their midst. Of course there’s not, I doubt they even exist here, but even if they did you wouldn’t find one in a florist shop. That used to bother me, being named after a flower that people view as ugly and unnecessary.

Not anymore.

I see now how perfect the name is for me.

Like a dandelion, I’m resilient. I can be cut down but I keep coming back. I won’t let life beat me down into nothing. I will grow, I will become. Become what? I don’t know, but that’s the beauty of it.

It’s another hour before I finally catch a taxi back to the apartment.

When I open the door, Ansel has his phone poised in his hand, no doubt about to ring me again.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Dani, you’ve been gone almost three hours. I was worried something happened to you.”

“I’m fine.” I lock the door behind me, trying to head to the bedroom.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, we need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I disagree, trying to bypass him, he blocks my way, refus

ing to let me by.

“You almost kissed me, I think there’s plenty to talk about.”

During my walk, I had done my best to forget things, to dismiss it from my mind, but I should’ve expected it’d be the first thing on his.

“I-It was a moment of weakness.”

He snorts. “A moment of weakness.” His hold flexes against my forearm where he grips it. “It’s okay to like me as more than a friend. It’s okay to want to kiss me. And Meadows?” He leans in closer, his breath fanning against my face. My heart beats rapidly behind my rib cage like the treacherous organ it is. “It’s okay to move on from him.”

He releases his hold on me, allowing me to disappear into the confines of the bedroom.

The bedroom I share with him, not Lachlan.