When I’m no longer dissolving into a fit of giggles, I say, “I understand what you’re saying.”
He sobers. “And I also should add that I’m not saying that one day you’ll wake up and forget him. That the pain will cease to exist, but in my own personal experience it does dull—but there are times where I wake up and it’s like there’s this crushing weight on my chest and it kills me that I’ll never see Angela smile again or hear her laugh.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “That’s what bothers me the most,” I agree. I look away and inhale a breath. I let it out slowly and with it I exhale all my sadness—at least, that’s what I tell myself. I refuse to think about the fact that today should’ve been my first Fourth of July as Ben’s wife.
Some of the guys shout Ryder’s name and he cringes. “They’re starting another game and want me to join.”
“I’m okay here,” I assure him. “Go,” I urge. He looks torn. “I’m okay,” I say again. “No tears and no breakdowns from me, I promise.”
He laughs and taps his hand against the table. “Okay, but I’ll be back, and we’re not talking about Angela or Ben anymore. Instead, we’re just Blaire and Ryder—a guy and a girl enjoying the Fourth with friends and family.”
I nod my head in agreement as he leaves. He’s gone no more than thirty seconds until my mom slides into his empty chair. “So what was that about?” she asks, looking back at him where he stands with his friends. “It looked serious. Are you okay?” She brushes my hair away from my forehead like she used to when I was a little girl and she was trying to comfort me.
“He was just giving me a pep talk,” I explain.
She starts to speak, but someone says, “Hey,” behind us. I turn and find Ivy heading toward us.
“Hi!” I say much more cheerily than normal for me. I stand up to hug her. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
She hugs me back and sits down in the chair to my left. “I wasn’t sure I was going to come. I told Ryder I would, but then I woke up and didn’t feel like it, so that’s why I’m so late. I didn’t decide until an hour ago that I was actually going to come.”
“Don’t feel bad,” my mom says. “We were late because of this one.” She points at me.
“This is my mom,” I tell Ivy. “Mom, this is Ivy. From Group.”
“Nice to meet you,” my mom says with a smile. “I’m Maureen. I’ll leave you two to talk. I need to go find your dad. The man’s probably stopped up the toilet or something.” She laughs.
“Mom,” I scold, laughing too.
“It’s the truth,” she sighs and stands. “Seriously, where is that man?” she mutters to herself as she leaves.
“So what’s new with you?” Ivy asks.
I rub my stomach. “This little lady is giving me hell.” I sigh. “I think she’s preparing me for the sleepless nights because she’s wide awake all night rolling around in there. Other than that, I’m moving.”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “You’re moving?”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s for the best. I mean, I’m not thrilled, but I know this is what I need to do.”
Ivy shakes her head. “I wish I was that spunky. I’d probably be better off if I moved. There are too many reminders of my husband at my house.”
“I know what you mean.” I sigh, lovingly stroking my stomach when my daughter gives a kick. “I still haven’t gotten rid of any of Ben’s things. His clothes are still in the closet, but I keep telling myself that when I move I have to get rid of them.”
“It’s hard,” she agrees. “Moving on … It takes guts.”
“Yeah, I agree.”
I fear that I’m not moving on. I’m scared I’m running away from my problems out of desperation. Who knows? I still feel so lost. Sometimes I’m worried I’ll never find my way.
“I’ll be right back,” she says. “I’m going to get something to eat.”
I nod as she leaves and my attention is drawn to Cole. He’s now running through a sprinkler, his laughter echoing through the yard. He’s happy, not a care in the world. He’s too young to truly understand that his mommy isn’t around. I don’t know how you explain to a child that their mom or dad is gone. How can you show them that the person loved them as much as you do when they’re not here? It’s one of my biggest fears with my daughter.
I quickly dismiss those thoughts from my mind. I came here to have fun and that’s what I’m going to do.
I finish eating as Ivy returns and we chat about the baby and my move. I talk about how I plan to decorate the nursery and already I can feel myself getting back into a better headspace.
Soon, music begins to play and people dance. Cole jumps around, doing his own interpretation of dancing, and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He jumps and flails his arms, even wagging his tongue. Ryder scoops him up and the little boy cackles in happiness. I’m surprised when Ryder comes over to me.