My people.
My family.
My life.
I thought my life was over when Ben died, and maybe that part of it was, but now I know it’s only beginning.
“New parent fuel,” Ryder says, breezing into my apartment with coffee and Cole on his heels. I gave him a key after I came home from the hospital two weeks ago. I kept calling him to bring me various things I needed so it just made sense.
“You’re a saint,” I say, taking the coffee from him and slurping it down. I hold Ava in my other arm. “She was up all night with her stomach hurting. It was hell. She finally passed out.” I indicate her sleeping form in my arms.
“I also brought breakfast.” He sets a brown paper bag on the counter and starts pulling out sandwiches.
“I love you,” I say, setting down the coffee so I can grab a sandwich. “Hey, Cole.” I smile down at the little boy. “I missed you.”
He smiles and holds up the book he has grasped in his chubby hands. “Weed! Weed!”
Ryder cringes. “I tried to get him to leave it, telling him that you’re tired, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“That’s okay.” I shrug, biting into my sandwich. “I can read it to you.” I smile at Cole and he jumps up and down with excitement. “I was thinking,” I begin, rocking Ava in my arms, “it’s probably one of the last nice days we’ll have for the summer so maybe we can go for a walk around town? What do you think?” Before Ryder can answer, I look back at Cole. “Want to go for a walk?”
“Walk! Walk!” he chants, still jumping up and down.
Ryder scoops him up and sets him in a chair with his sandwich. “Sure—” he smiles “—that sounds nice.”
“I’m going to go put her down right now.” I pad down the hall to my bedroom and lay her gently in the bassinet. I pray that she doesn’t stir. Thankfully, she doesn’t. I might manage to eat in peace and get a shower. I smell like sweat and spit up and it’s not a good combination.
I sit down at the table with the boys and finish my sandwich and coffee.
“Do you mind keeping an eye on Ava so I can shower?” I ask Ryder.
“That’s not a problem.” He wipes his fingers on a napkin.
“If she starts screaming she probably needs her diaper changed,” I tell him, starting for the bathroom.
He chuckles. “I can handle it, Blaire.”
I know he can, but I still worry.
I grab some clothes from my room and lock myself in the bathroom.
Even a ten-minute shower feels like a luxury at this point.
I turn the water on until it’s practically scalding and slip inside.
It feels good to have the hot water beat on my coiled muscles. I wash my hair and soap up my body. I finally smell like a human again.
I get out and dry off my body and ruffle my hair with the towel to help it dry. I get dressed and pull my hair up in a messy bun so it’s out of my way. It’s been my go-to hairstyle since Ava was born.
I step out of the steaming bathroom and head down the hall to the family room and kitchen area. Cole’s sitting on the couch watching a kid’s show, but Ryder’s not there.
I head back the way I came and peek my head in my room. Not there.
I turn to the opposite side and find him in the nursery, holding Ava against his chest.
My heart lurches and speeds up, pumping blood rapidly through my whole body.
He hasn’t noticed me yet.